Tag Archives: stress

Bogged Down

I’ve been wanting to write for a long time now.  I’ve scribbled so many ideas  in my notebook to write about, but then reality hits me and I just can’t seem to see above the tidal wave that’s about to engulf me.   I really don’t want to post anything negative, so I’ve been avoiding posting.  But tonight I just can’t be silent any longer.

I’m overwhelmed by this thing we call life.  I know God is in control.  It’s just terrifying to be alone trying to handle everything.

I’m still walking twice a week and my legs are getting stronger, but it doesn’t take away the fibromyalgia pain.  It actually makes the pain worse at night and makes me cry myself to sleep, but I know I need to be stronger just to be able to be alone and do the things I need to do to take care of me and Morriss.  So it’s non-negotiable.  I must walk two days a week.

Tonight I was on the computer to pay a couple bills.  I realize sadly I will have $1.00 left for food and gas for the month.  That’s not going to work.  I so wanted to be out of this house before winter hit, but there’s no where cheaper that I can go to.   Did I say I’m overwhelmed?!

A couple weeks ago when I saw my doctor he could tell by my blood pressure and my look of distress on my face that I was beyond distraught and stressed.  He sent a social worker in to talk with me to see if she could figure out any programs that could help me.  I knew the answer before talking to her, but I was open to whatever she had to offer.  And yes, I was right, I am just over the limit for everything.  So no, there’s no help for me.   I’m single with no kids, so I did everything right, but in the eyes of our government I did everything wrong and they won’t help me with anything.

Sorry to be such a downer.  I will try to pick myself up once again.

The good news is I do have something new I’ve been losing myself in.  I found a $15 battery operated musical keyboard on ebay and for the last three weeks I’ve been following a free ebook, and teaching myself to play.  It’s been a life saver on nights like tonight.  I get lost in the scales, chords, and try to play simple songs.   So that’s what I’m going to do now.


Today I’m grateful for:

1.  The keyboard and music.

2.  This computer.

3.  I will be able to at least pay my bills.



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Harder Than I Thought

Everything I’m trying to do is much harder than I originally thought it would be.  Part of the problem is I’m a lot weaker than I was when I moved into this house thirteen years ago.  The other part is I can’t seem to think my way out of a wet paper bag these days.  And being alone is not making this easy.

I’m seriously wondering if I’m suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from all the stress I’ve been under these past four years.  I will be bringing this up to Dr. Ehrig tomorrow along with a list of other concerns.  At the top of my list is the muscle spasm/or heartbeat that I’ve been feeling in my jaw.  Since I’ve had three aneurysms I’m concerned that this may be another one lurking.  I’ve also had the silver dots around my eyes the past few months on and off like I had when I had the other aneurysms.  I’m hoping I’m wrong and it’s just muscle spasms, but I need to know either way.

I feel like I’m all over the place.  I was trying to find a realtor to sell my house before getting it ready to show.  And I’ve  been looking for apartments because a lot of the senior subsidized housing has years long waiting lists, but I’m not even sure I’m eligible with fibromyalgia.  The other major issue is if I don’t have my own washer I’ll be breaking out in hives because I’m so allergic to most laundry detergents.  So another question for Dr. Ehrig tomorrow.

So I’ve been trying to move forward, but I really can’t until I deal with all the things I need to get rid of to de-clutter my home.  I feel a small victory today, I took my coffee table out for trash because it’s had a broken leg for years.  I moved my small desk to the living room so I have a place to go through things where it’s cooler because the small bedroom is hot as hell.   Not near as much as I hoped to get done today, but with the overwhelming pain and fatigue I had today from a horrible night’s sleep and 90+ degree heat outside making my home 85 degrees with both air conditioners running, I consider what I did today a lot.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  I got a one item out of the house.

2.  I’m doing the best I can with the all the health challenges I deal with everyday.

3.  I will get some much needed answers tomorrow from Dr. Ehrig.

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Pitfalls and Ditches

As with any journey you know there will be pitfalls and ditches along the way to overcome.  I just didn’t expect them so early on in this journey.

I’ve called four different realtors so far and only one bothered to call me back and the news he gave me was quite disappointing, although not a complete shock.   His phone call explained why no one else even bothered to call me back.

I feel like I’m trapped and I can’t get out even though I want to.  Anyone thinking of buying a mobile home and living in a community where you pay lot rent let me give you some helpful advice:  DON’T.

No, I haven’t given up, but my game plan has changed.  Now I’m going to focus on where I want to go and getting my home emptied out and keeping only what I want to take with me.  Hopefully before winter hits I will be able to sell without taking too much of a hit.  I was hoping to walk away with a little bit of money to get started on my new life, but now I’ll be glad if I can at least break even.

Add to the home stress, my transmission has been slipping in my car.  My mechanic fit me in yesterday to make sure I didn’t have any leaks because I had hit a huge pot hole a few weeks back.   Nope, no leaks.  I am due for my transmission flush, but I can’t afford to do that right now.  He didn’t seem to think that would cause it to slip.  He said it could be a solenoid going bad, but the engine light didn’t go on yet.  I’m usually aware of a problem 100 miles before the idiot light comes on.  So if the idiot light comes on it’s most likely a solenoid.  If it doesn’t then I’ll try changing the fluid when I can afford the extra $100 +.  In the meantime I have to drive my mom to get her neck x-rayed this Friday and next Friday I have to take her to see the neurosurgeon.  So now I’m stressed about the car breaking down on top of the house, my finances, my pain and everything else.  I have no money for any repairs on the car so if it dies I’m stranded here where I live.  There aren’t even any buses I can catch.  I am so scared God!  Sometimes I wonder if God even sees me and what I’m going through.

I cried for quite a while before sleeping last night.  I’m so very tired.  I just feel completely beaten down.

Today I’m grateful for:  (digging real deep today)

1.  I have a roof over my head for today.

2.  Morriss.

3.  I’m going to walk today even though I really don’t feel like it.


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Feeling Feverish

Just when I thought I had a day to be home and maybe take an hour and attack the clutter that has become my home since I got sick fifteen years ago, I’m running a FEVER!  Really?  Now to figure out, am I really getting sick or is this just the fibromyalgia acting up because it’s been a stressful few days.  The jury is still out on the verdict of sick with something new or just fibromyalgia.

I’m still spending time monitoring the outside of my home for ant activity and putting out jelly and  borax, peanut butter, honey and borax, or sugar, water and borax.  They are still quite numerous and I’m feeling really weary trying to deal with all this by myself.

I shared my Borax recipes with my neighbors on the one side and even gave them a baggie of Borax to start with.  I called it the ant killing starter kit.  I hope I can get everyone on board and get rid of these nuisances.

To top off the stress, we had a thunderstorm here yesterday afternoon with 60 mph winds, pouring rain, and quarter size hail.  My yard looked like it snowed when the storm finally moved out.  I was terrified when the storm was happening.  It sounded like someone was throwing rocks at my house.  At one point I thought my aluminum siding was ripping off but it was someone’s skirting hitting my house as it flew by and landed across the street.  Wow!   I was standing in my living room screaming and asking God to please protect us and make the storm move on.

So today was far less productive than I had planned because I spent a good majority of it on the couch covered up trying to sweat out the fever.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  I didn’t have to be anywhere today.

2.  I didn’t feel well enough to cook dinner, but I had cereal to have for dinner.

3.  I paid most of my bills, I couldn’t pay them all, but at least some are paid.



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Seems Like a Really Long Time

You may be wondering where I’ve been. Well, I’ve been trying to survive as best I can. I’ve been in unbelievable pain. Pain so bad Ive taken to crying myself to sleep at night.

I know it’s because I’ve been really stressed by my life and circumstances. Financially I am terrified. There just isn’t enough money to keep up. Food has gotten so very expensive. I haven’t felt well enough to begin selling some personal items on ebay, because…

The ants were trying to invade my home with a vengeance as soon as May began. A friend sent me some links online and I learned far more about these ants than I cared to know. Thanks Michelle!

These ants can build nests in your walls, subfloors, electrical outlets, underground. EEEEkKKKKK! They must be baited to eradicate them or every time the exterminator or myself sprays, the nest can split and multiply.

So the past four years have been for nothing. Ugghh. I don’t think the exterminator believed how bad they were because I never let them get out of control in my home. I would spray myself before he got here because I DON’T WANT ANTS IN MY HOUSE!

I learned how to bait them and did so starting last Saturday. I put out grape jelly and borax on a plate in front of my steps and the corner where my refrigerator is. There were hundreds of ants in a few short hours. I thought a lot of them were dead, but Sunday morning they were all gone and so they took the bait back to the nest. They were coming back Sunday afternoon for more and I gladly fed them some more. I then put a plate out by my shed and spread some on my skirting and out they came. I swear there were thousands.

I left the bait and plates out for the exterminator to see when he came on Monday. I could tell he was astounded. I truly don’t think he believed me all this time, but he sure does now.

This has been another thing I’ve had to add to my survival schedule. I call it my survival schedule because that’s all I feel like I’m doing these days. Yesterday I went to the grocery store after my doctor appointment and I came home and wanted to die. I had to go out and check on the ants a couple times and by last night I was sitting in bed crying the pain was so unbearable.

I am still walking two days a week. I’ve added one more lap so I’m walking 10 laps around the ministry center at church. Twenty minutes twice a week. The first 7 weeks I felt so horrible I wanted to throw up half way through my 9 laps. Now the past two weeks I just feel completely depleted and exhausted. I have to keep telling myself, “You can do this”, “Lift your feet up”, “Just one step at a time”, “Only ___ laps to go, you’re almost done”, “You can go home and pass out when you’re done.”

I try not to schedule anything else on Mondays and Thursdays when I walk because I usually come home, have a quick lunch and pass out on the couch for three hours. I love people who say, “Exercise, you’ll feel better.” When they find out you have fibromyagia. Let me tell you, that is NOT the truth. I feel like I want to die. But I also know my knee was giving me major issues and I couldn’t lose weight because I wasn’t able to do much so I knew for my health I have to do something. So I’m walking two days a week and I am so grateful to the church for allowing me to do that inside the ministry center.

I tried to walk outside one day when the church was closed and I had a major asthma attack, because I can no longer take the singulair that I was on for fifteen years. Needless to say, that has complicated matters tremendously.

Oh and let’s not forget it’s grass cutting season and I don’t have enough money to pay anyone to do my lawn for me so I have to. And of course that kicks up my asthma too. So I have to cut the grass and then quickly come inside put my clothes in the wash and quickly get into the shower to wash the grass and pollen away.

If you’re still reading and you’re healthy, please don’t take one moment for granted. I miss the days when I could do everyday routine things and then go and do something I enjoy. Now all I can do is the routine stuff and I cant even keep up with all that. My home is in desperate need of cleaning and decluttering. There’s just never enough energy and pain free moments to keep up with everything. I’m so overwhelmed.

I was hoping by now there would be someone in my life to help me and love me through the painful nights, but I see that’s not to be a reality in my world so I just have to get up each lonely day and push through and do the best I can and let the rest go.

How I long for a day to feel well enough to do more than just survival. I’d love to go sit by the river and watch the water flow. Go to the library and wander through the books. Go have a cup of coffee and people watch. So many things I’d like to do, but my limited energy is gone before I can get anything done.

Add to all the stress the long term disablity company called my doctor and was questioning him about me. Why I’m not in physical therapy (because I’ve done that 5 or 6 times already and I’ve gotten all I can out of it and I don’t have any money to do it again anyway), and I guess they were questioning my treatment. I probably should have asked my doctor more questions about the conversation, but I just couldn’t deal with any more stress. This is the same long term disability company that cut me off at two years and when they were audited four years later my case was re-evaluated and I won and got four years of back pay from them. And yet, here they go again. They just want to find a way to stop paying me. Every day I feel like they’re going to pull the rug out from under me and I’ll wind up homeless. I so wish I felt well enough to work and take care of myself. Living on disability sucks. (But that’s a story for another day)

Obviously I’ve been needing to write for a long time. Maybe I’ll go back to writing here everyday. I was trying to keep my problems and negativity off of here, but I’m just being honest and releasing stress.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. The ants seems to be decreasing.
2. I was able to nap a little bit today.
3. It felt really good to write all this.


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Morriss Mondays


It has been a very tough week here and I am exhausted.  We had a major nor’easter hit us with almost two feet of snow.  Mom cried herself to sleep a couple of times because she was in so much pain from shoveling.  I had a very difficult time keeping an eye on mom while she was outside shoveling.

This is my view from the supervisory point (the window).  As you can see my view is very limited.  Which makes me worry.  If I can’t keep an eye on mom I worry if she’s ok or not.  I spent many hours in that window in the past week.


I know mom is very stressed and in a lot of pain these days.  I’ve heard her on the phone asking people about the roof and an ice jam up there and what to do if anything.  Mom’s been going out the back door to keep the propane vent on the side of the house clear of snow during all of this too and a piece along the bottom of the door fell off.  She called about that and was told she’ll have to wait for the weather to break and the snow to go away.  In the meantime she has towels there but the cold air is rushing in from that centimeter gap that is now open.  I know mom is concerned about that and a lot of other things.

Add to all that mom has been in so much pain.  She isn’t sleeping at night because the pain is so bad.  I’ve been trying to be more loving and staying close to mom to let her know that I’m here and I love her.

Yesterday mom told me she had to make a decision whether to go to church or to the grocery store because she was in too much pain and didn’t have enough energy to do both.  I know mom was very sad that she couldn’t get to church for yet another week, but I admire her strength to take care of us and go to the grocery store even though she was moving really slow and it looked like it was very painful for her to even walk.

When mom came home from the store and got the groceries inside she started crying and told me she was so very tired and in so much pain she didn’t even want to keep living anymore.  I started praying kitty prayers for mom and in between naps I’m praying real hard that mom can get out of this cycle of pain and that our home will be ok and mom will be able to continue taking care of us.  Please pray for us.  It’s been really hard here.

Mom’s disease seems to be getting worse and worse with each passing day.  She sleeps less and less.  The pain is getting worse and worse.  Her brain seems more foggy than normal and she is having a hard time doing the normal every day things.  I’ve had to remind her a couple times that I’m hungry.  Sometimes I’ll just eat the hard food she leaves out for me and not bother her because she is in so much pain.

I hate this disease called fibromyalgia.  No one deserves to suffer like this.  Especially not mom.  She tries so hard to help others and be a good friend and yet I’m watching her deal with all this stress all alone.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  Mom finally slept a little this afternoon on the couch.

2.  Mom is taking care of me even though she feels awful.

3.  Mom made sure I’d have food.

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I need to refocus today. I’m so stressed over everything in my life that I can’t control, my finances, home repairs, and my body and pain among other things. I just need to do something I enjoy.

I am hoping after my shower and lunch I will feel well enough to get outside in this beautiful weather and wash and wax my car. I’m not going to get crazy and try to do everything like I used to, because I know I can’t. I just want to wash and wax it. Period. I will worry about windows, vacuuming, and armor-all another day. My car is so filthy the dirt is running down the paint in streaks. Anyone who knows me, knows that is very unlike me.

I’ve had to put this off all summer because every time it was nice enough out for me to work on the car the grass needed to be mowed. Since that nice man, Lloyd, mowed my lawn last Saturday I need to take advantage of this beautiful day God has given me.

I was fighting myself about doing this because I haven’t slept well in way too long and this morning I was up at 3:00 am once again. Ugghhh! Plus I know I have some really busy days coming and I know they will drain me and leave me nothing but a shell of agonizing pain.

But I’m tired of sitting in this house alone with no life.

I was just interrupted by a truck outside my house and surprise, surprise, the garbage truck was here. I never know when to put the trash out anymore when we have a holiday. Usually when we have a holiday they come a day late, but not this week. And of course my trash is not out so it will be festering until next week. OH YAY! And yes, this agitated me more than it probably should have. I feel that familiar menopausal agitation returning with a vengeance and I hate it.

Maybe a day out working in the sun will help. Either that or it will kill me. Either way, right about now, I’m good with that.

I’m so tired, of being broke, alone, in pain, agitated, and pretending to be happy. Because I’ve learned people really don’t want to know how your are. And the people closest to you just get uncomfortable and avoid you if you tell them how things really are. So I’ve learned to just put on a smile and laugh through the pain. Sadly there’s no one to tell all my heartaches and dreams to. That’s why I have this blog I guess. The blog won’t judge me and lets me be as pathetic as I want.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. I finished my homework and quizzes and printed out my new lesson.

2. I have a goal for today. (to wash and wax the car)

3. I have left overs for dinner.

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