Just when you think it couldn’t possibly get any worse… the washing machine that’s only 3.5 years old dies. Ugghh.
So to recap my world…. I can’t sell my home for what I owe, I can’t go into senior housing because I’m not sick enough, I need my own washer so I don’t break out in life threatening hives, and a multitude of other issues. I’m so overwhelmed I feel like I’m just standing and watching a swirling world of chaos and confusion circling around me. I truly don’t understand any of this. I spent most of today asking God to please show me the why behind all these problems in my life. I got no answers.
Sadly the washer can’t be repaired because it would cost more than it’s worth. Thankfully the service guy told me that without making me pay a service call of $89.
I’m in so much debt I don’t think I’ll ever see the light of day. I wanted to be out of this house before winter because I have no more credit to pay for propane for heat, but it looks like I’m going to be stuck here for a while. I have no idea how I’m going to buy food that I’m quickly running out of and I’m just totally overwhelmed by my life.
When you’ve been on disability as long as I have many friends avoid you because they just don’t know what to say or do anymore. I guess they don’t realize that only makes my life even lonelier and more painful. Many people try to give advice, but they’re doing it from a perspective that isn’t even close to the reality that I’m living.
So today has been a really bad day. I’m really feeling very hopeless and overwhelmed.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. The good news is I was able to drain the water out of the washer and salvage my clothes when it died.
2. I can’t figure anything in my life out right now so I’m leaving it with God. He’s up all night. Hopefully he’ll help me somehow.
3. A store gave me credit and I found a cheap closeout washer that will be delivered Tuesday. (Now I just need to figure out how to pay for it.)
Every morning I’ve been doing a writing prompt from “A Writer’s Book of Days” by Judy Reeves. Some days they become the subject of my blog and other days I already have enough in my heart and mind to write about. I do have enough in my heart and mind to write about this morning because at three this morning I started bleeding again causing all sorts of thoughts and emotions in me, but I really like what today’s writing prompt pulled out of me so I’m going to share that instead.
Just to explain a bit about writing prompts. The key is to freewrite and not read what you write until you’re finished. You just go with the next thought that comes to mind and keep writing as quickly as possible. It’s amazing the things I write when I’m freewriting like this. So here’s today’s writing prompt and what I wrote:
PROMPT: WHEN SHE LOOKED UP….
When she looked up she realized how immense the sky was and how truly small and insignificant she was in the grand scheme of things. Would her problem today really even matter one year from now? Would the immensity of the universe just devour all her feelings and emotions as it had done before?
Time goes by and what seemed earth shattering and life changing was all but forgotten. A bump in the road. A small detour. The immensity of the universe is working with forces unseen to bring about the plans of the Almighty God who sits on His throne.
Why does her one life even matter? What difference could her problems make? Except that she could share her troubles and triumphs with those who care to listen and lighten their load a bit.
When she looked up she realized that somewhere beyond the blue sky and clouds is her permanent home. This is all just temporary. A test of sorts to see if she’s ready for her permanent place of residence. How do you know when you’re passing the test?
Things I’m thankful for today:
1. Avery covering for me in the sound room at church this morning
2. This blog to share my thoughts and feelings. And the people who are reading it.
3. Free game apps on my phone to keep me occupied while I’m off my feet and icing to stop the bleeding once again.