Just When You Think….

Just when you think it couldn’t possibly get any worse… the washing machine that’s only 3.5 years old dies.  Ugghh.

So to recap my world…. I can’t sell my home for what I owe, I can’t go into senior housing because I’m not sick enough, I need my own washer so I don’t break out in life threatening hives, and a multitude of other issues.  I’m so overwhelmed I feel like I’m just standing and watching a swirling world of chaos and confusion circling around me.   I truly don’t understand any of this.   I spent most of today asking God to please show me the why behind all these problems in my life.  I got no answers.

Sadly the washer can’t be repaired because it would cost more than it’s worth.  Thankfully the service guy told me that without making me pay a service call of $89.

I’m in so much debt I don’t think I’ll ever see the light of day.  I wanted to be out of this house before winter because I have no more credit to pay for propane for heat, but it looks like I’m going to be stuck here for a while.  I have no idea how I’m going to buy food that I’m quickly running out of and I’m just totally overwhelmed by my life.

When you’ve been on disability as long as I have many friends avoid you because they just don’t know what to say or do anymore.  I guess they don’t realize that only makes my life even lonelier and more painful.  Many people try to give advice, but they’re doing it from a perspective that isn’t even close to the reality that I’m living.

So today has been a really bad day.  I’m really feeling very hopeless and overwhelmed.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  The good news is I was able to drain the water out of the washer and salvage my clothes when it died.

2.  I can’t figure anything in my life out right now so I’m leaving it with God.  He’s up all night.  Hopefully he’ll help me somehow.

3.  A store gave me credit and I found a cheap closeout washer that will be delivered Tuesday.  (Now I just need to figure out how to pay for it.)

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Brick Walls

Have you ever talked to someone and you thought to yourself, “I might as well be talking to a brick wall.”? If you’ve been on this earth for any length of time I’m sure you have.

As the years go by and you gain wisdom you begin to see these people for the blockheads they are even before you open your mouth and share your thoughts, thus saving your breath and aggravation.

As I was looking through my Facebook posts this morning I saw one of these blockheads had commented on a dear friend’s post. She was asking for prayer to strengthen her for an upcoming event in her life. I was so very glad to see that she had ignored this person’s words, but disappointed to see someone else had liked his comment.

My friend suffers from fibromyalgia like myself and many others who read this blog. We all know how very challenging this disease makes our every day life. However we still want to be a part of the world outside of our homes and contribute to society in some way even if we can’t physically work like everyone else.

God’s calling on her life and my life are totally different, nevertheless we are both very responsible and committed individuals. When we take on a responsibility we take it very seriously and follow through.

One thing I love about the leadership at BWC (Bethany Wesleyan Church) is I’ve not seen them tell anyone they couldn’t be a part of something because of a physical limitation. I love that.

What if Joni Eareckson Tada had been told that she couldn’t do public speaking as a ministry because she was quadriplegic. What a terrible loss that would have been for all those who have heard her speak.

As people and especially as Christians we need to stop telling people what they shouldn’t or can’t do and let God do what He’s going to do. WHERE GOD GUIDES, HE PROVIDES!

Today I’m grateful for:

1. The self-control God gave me not to blast that person for his heartless comment to my friend.

2. It feels a tad cooler in my home today than it did yesterday.

3. Frozen grapes are awesome treats on hot days like this.

Perplexed

Really?!? This came with my shut off notice from the electric company. The paragraph above this chart explained, ~ If your income is at or below 250% of the federal poverty guidelines…. So this chart shows what the monthly income is that is considered 250% at the Federal Poverty Level.

Hmmmm, then how is it that there is absolutely no assistance for me when I am a family of 1 with a monthly income of just $1,500 a month? Doesn’t make a bit of sense to me.

Now please don’t think I’m looking for a government hand-out. I’m just wondering why people who seem to need it less than me get help and I don’t. I see people drinking, smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, having their boyfriends (that work under the table) live with them and support the household and yet they get heat assistance, electric assistance, food stamps, cash assistance, Medicaid, etc.

Meanwhile I tried to do everything right. I didn’t have a child out-of-wedlock. I went to school part-time while working full-time to obtain my Associate’s Degree in Accounting. I worked full-time at a bank. I’ve tried my best to keep up with my home, car, credit etc. And yet society’s rules are pointing at me telling me I did all wrong. Because I had three aneurysms that triggered a long-term severe disability that now prevents me from working I’m penalized for living my life morally correct. Doesn’t say a whole lot for this land we live in. I know this world is not my home, and heaven is my final destination, but it certainly doesn’t make the struggle here any easier.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. The kind person(s) that sent me the money order so I can catch up my electric bill.

2. I will be wearing a dress today not only to be cool in this 90 plus heat but to feel good about me.

3. Writing!!!!

Finances

I wasn’t going to tackle this topic, but I promised myself transparency so it’s fair game. My finances are a disaster since I’ve been disabled. I’m hanging on by my fingernails and wondering when I’m going to get too tired and let go.

I came into my room to write this morning to find the propane bill from the fill up yesterday on my computer keyboard. $432.47 that I have no idea how I’m going to pay. I’ve put the rest of my propane on credit cards for the past few years, but now the credit cards are maxed out and there’s no money. Sooo…. what to do? Pray was the first thing I did.

It’s been an awful year for me. July part of my roof was damaged in a storm and since mobile home insurance is depreciated value and not replacement I had to close my life insurance so I could pay to have half the roof replaced. September was Hurricane Sandy and though I made out far better than many, my new roof was damaged (and the company that originally replaced it said hurricane damage was NOT under warranty) and half my skirting was ripped out and torn apart. Thankfully Dan Sedler and his brother Joe were ever so kind to me and fixed the roof and skirting for the amount of money the insurance company gave me.

Groceries keep going up. Electric bill is ridiculous. All the help I used to get I don’t get anymore. I used to get help with my heating and electric bills. I used to get help with my Medicare premiums and prescriptions. But now I only get $16 a month in food stamps. I’m a couple hundred dollars a year over the limit for help and so therefore am ineligible.

Meanwhile I’m sinking. As much as I want to ask for help I hate to do it because some people can make you feel like you’re a complete idiot. I have my associates degree in Accounting and worked for a bank for ten years so I’m far from stupid. There just isn’t enough money coming in and I am not well enough to work and even if I was, the long-term disability insurance from my last employer would cut me off if I make any money from working so I’m stuck. Unless I can make enough to cover what I receive from them each month. And I don’t feel well enough most of the time to do anything.

Sadly people only see what I’ve become, disabled. Very few people know who I was. When I worked full-time and went to school part-time. It took me eight years of doing that but I got my associates degree while working full-time. I was getting ready to start my bachelor’s degree when the aneurysms stopped my life in its tracks. All my hopes and dreams dashed in ten seconds. I never thought almost fourteen years later that my life would never go back to where I was then.

I am glad that I rediscovered my love of writing. I always kept journals on and off but this is the first time in my life that I’ve actually been committed to write every day. This is my therapy. Since I have no money for therapy I am so very glad I have this.

Today I’m thankful for:

1. Writing – my escape from pain.

2. The ability to read and all the good books that take me away from my reality for a little while.

3. I can pray and watch God work out a miracle.

Disabled

This morning as I was going through Facebook posts and comments I was annoyed to see how people think if you’re on disability and getting food stamps that you are taking advantage of the system and living the high life.

I still remember the last church I was at a gentleman found out I was disabled and held a fifty dollar bill out to me and said, “I have an opportunity for you. It’s one thing to give a man a fish, it’s another to teach him to fish.” Like I was too stupid to know how to make money!!!! He didn’t know what to do when I told him that I am disabled, not stupid and I would rather starve than take his money.

I’ve been on disability since 1999 when I had three abdominal aneurysms that set my health into a downward spiral. Just because I dress nice (which, by the way, everything I buy is from clearance racks and I use coupons) and don’t look like I rolled out of bed when I go to the grocery store DOES NOT mean that I feel well. You have no idea how very difficult simple every day tasks like going to the grocery store are for me. I am usually only physically able to do one task a day. So the grocery store is that task for the day before the fatigue overwhelms me and I need to come home to the couch and lay down. I choose not to let you see how awful I feel because that would repulse you.

I’m not living the high life. I get $16 a month in food stamps. I don’t have enough money for all the bills and medications that I need. Yes I have a smart phone, but it’s cheaper than the phone, internet, and cable packages in my area. I don’t have a home phone anymore, the internet is on my phone, and cable is the extreme basic and soon to be cancelled because of the cost.

I don’t go out to eat or go to movies. I don’t have enough energy to go out partying even if I had the money. I try my best to eat healthy, but it is very expensive to eat fruits and vegetables. All my books on my Kindle app on my phone have been freebies.

Yes I have a decent car, but only because my long-term disability insurance from my last employer wrongfully terminated my benefits for four years and when they were audited had to pay me the four years back pay plus interest because I AM DISABLED! You didn’t see all the vehicles that I drove that were held together by duct tape and prayer. You don’t know the anxiety I had every time I left the house just hoping I would make it back home that day.

No one has any idea how hard another person’s life is. Why do people feel the need to judge them like they know what’s going on? I don’t feel the need to explain my life to everyone. Thankfully now I can tell people when they ask that irritating question, “So what do you do?” I can say, “I AM A WRITER. AND YES, I AM PUBLISHED. CHECK OUT MY BLOG.”

Why don’t we all just love each other for who God created us to be and stop acting like we know what another person is going through.

Today I’m thankful for:

1. The car God provided for me five years ago.

2. I AM A WRITER.

3. Free books from Amazon.