Too Much

Some days everything just feels like too much.  I’m trying to keep my head clear about the disappointments of yesterday and telling myself God is in control and He’s up all night.  He already knows where I’m going and when so I need to just do my part and de-clutter and get rid of what I don’t need and once I finish that step then the stair case will appear.  That’s the place I woke up in this morning.

And then,…. I checked my email and the man I fell in love with five years ago, who just hasn’t been able to do what he needs to do to be with me, emails me and says his doctor is screening him for cancer and he feels like no one cares about him at all.   Even though decisions were made a number of months ago that have stopped us from seeing each other he has still be emailing occasionally.

So with that information on my mind all day I had to drive to Bethlehem to meet my mom and sister and take my mom to St. Luke’s to have her neck x-rayed for her follow up appointment with the neurosurgeon next week.   This is from her broken neck from her car accident two years ago.

I was so tired from not sleeping well and all these things were on my mind all day.  So I was in the area of my friend’s job and decided to stop by and let him know I do care.  I pulled away asking myself why I even bothered.  I felt like I was just being an intrusion in his life.  I won’t do that again.  I will pray for him and I wish him the best but there is a reason I pulled away and I need to keep that distance there.

I came home and cried my eyes out once again.  I’m so tired of hurting so much.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  My mom is doing so well.  Lord bless Dr. Moulding for being such and awesome neurosurgeon when she broke her neck.

2.  I made it through today in one piece.

3.  It was a beautiful cool sunny day.

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Pitfalls and Ditches

As with any journey you know there will be pitfalls and ditches along the way to overcome.  I just didn’t expect them so early on in this journey.

I’ve called four different realtors so far and only one bothered to call me back and the news he gave me was quite disappointing, although not a complete shock.   His phone call explained why no one else even bothered to call me back.

I feel like I’m trapped and I can’t get out even though I want to.  Anyone thinking of buying a mobile home and living in a community where you pay lot rent let me give you some helpful advice:  DON’T.

No, I haven’t given up, but my game plan has changed.  Now I’m going to focus on where I want to go and getting my home emptied out and keeping only what I want to take with me.  Hopefully before winter hits I will be able to sell without taking too much of a hit.  I was hoping to walk away with a little bit of money to get started on my new life, but now I’ll be glad if I can at least break even.

Add to the home stress, my transmission has been slipping in my car.  My mechanic fit me in yesterday to make sure I didn’t have any leaks because I had hit a huge pot hole a few weeks back.   Nope, no leaks.  I am due for my transmission flush, but I can’t afford to do that right now.  He didn’t seem to think that would cause it to slip.  He said it could be a solenoid going bad, but the engine light didn’t go on yet.  I’m usually aware of a problem 100 miles before the idiot light comes on.  So if the idiot light comes on it’s most likely a solenoid.  If it doesn’t then I’ll try changing the fluid when I can afford the extra $100 +.  In the meantime I have to drive my mom to get her neck x-rayed this Friday and next Friday I have to take her to see the neurosurgeon.  So now I’m stressed about the car breaking down on top of the house, my finances, my pain and everything else.  I have no money for any repairs on the car so if it dies I’m stranded here where I live.  There aren’t even any buses I can catch.  I am so scared God!  Sometimes I wonder if God even sees me and what I’m going through.

I cried for quite a while before sleeping last night.  I’m so very tired.  I just feel completely beaten down.

Today I’m grateful for:  (digging real deep today)

1.  I have a roof over my head for today.

2.  Morriss.

3.  I’m going to walk today even though I really don’t feel like it.

 

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Harsh Realities

I’m sad, but at peace today.

All I ever wanted was a husband to love me and a home to call my own.  Well the husband never came.  The home isn’t exactly what I had in mind, but it’s been mine for the past thirteen years.

Sadly I’ve had to take a really hard look at the reality that is my life, and admit that physically and financially I can no longer stay in my home that I’ve worked so hard to keep.  I thought five years ago when I started dating again, after many years of being too scared of being hurt, maybe I’d find someone to love me that would be here for me and be my helpmate.  I’ve watched many people find someone and get married in those five years, but all I found was more pain and hurt than ever before.  So time to face reality.  I’m alone.  I’m sick.  I’m terrified.  And I need to take care of me since I have no one else.

These past few weeks have been extremely emotional.  I know what I must do and I’ve begun the legwork of looking for another place and selling mine.  I’ve told my neighbors not to be surprised when they see the For Sale sign go up.  I doubt this will happen in the next few weeks, but I’m hoping by the brunt of winter that I will be in a new place with Morriss.

My heart is so heavy this morning for all the things that could have been, that aren’t.  I truly thought I’d found the love of my life and we would make a life together.  Instead I was lied to, and strung along until my heart feels like it can no longer beat without me telling it to.  I thought it would heal faster, but maybe it never will.  And now to see that I’m sinking financially and in so much debt from trying to keep this house going and knowing that I will have to go into senior/subsidized housing  I just feel like such a total failure.

Add to all that my health.  I’ve been noticing  many things I can no longer do and such major fatigue I can’t get anything done except survival tasks like grocery store, dishes, doctor appointments, etc.  I’ve been hoping that walking two days a week would strengthen me, and I’m sure it is to some degree, but I also realize the fibromyalgia has a strangle hold on my body and rules my life.

So as sad as I am over the difficult choices I must make, I’m at peace with the decision to sell my home because I know in my heart I can no longer keep up with it financially or physically.  I know in an apartment I only need to take care of me and Morriss.  I know I will have more money so I will be able to work on paying down all the debt I’ve created trying to keep this house going.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  Coffee.

2.  I have left overs for dinner.

3.  The ability to make tough decisions.

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Feeling Feverish

Just when I thought I had a day to be home and maybe take an hour and attack the clutter that has become my home since I got sick fifteen years ago, I’m running a FEVER!  Really?  Now to figure out, am I really getting sick or is this just the fibromyalgia acting up because it’s been a stressful few days.  The jury is still out on the verdict of sick with something new or just fibromyalgia.

I’m still spending time monitoring the outside of my home for ant activity and putting out jelly and  borax, peanut butter, honey and borax, or sugar, water and borax.  They are still quite numerous and I’m feeling really weary trying to deal with all this by myself.

I shared my Borax recipes with my neighbors on the one side and even gave them a baggie of Borax to start with.  I called it the ant killing starter kit.  I hope I can get everyone on board and get rid of these nuisances.

To top off the stress, we had a thunderstorm here yesterday afternoon with 60 mph winds, pouring rain, and quarter size hail.  My yard looked like it snowed when the storm finally moved out.  I was terrified when the storm was happening.  It sounded like someone was throwing rocks at my house.  At one point I thought my aluminum siding was ripping off but it was someone’s skirting hitting my house as it flew by and landed across the street.  Wow!   I was standing in my living room screaming and asking God to please protect us and make the storm move on.

So today was far less productive than I had planned because I spent a good majority of it on the couch covered up trying to sweat out the fever.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  I didn’t have to be anywhere today.

2.  I didn’t feel well enough to cook dinner, but I had cereal to have for dinner.

3.  I paid most of my bills, I couldn’t pay them all, but at least some are paid.

 

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Seems Like a Really Long Time

You may be wondering where I’ve been. Well, I’ve been trying to survive as best I can. I’ve been in unbelievable pain. Pain so bad Ive taken to crying myself to sleep at night.

I know it’s because I’ve been really stressed by my life and circumstances. Financially I am terrified. There just isn’t enough money to keep up. Food has gotten so very expensive. I haven’t felt well enough to begin selling some personal items on ebay, because…

The ants were trying to invade my home with a vengeance as soon as May began. A friend sent me some links online and I learned far more about these ants than I cared to know. Thanks Michelle!

These ants can build nests in your walls, subfloors, electrical outlets, underground. EEEEkKKKKK! They must be baited to eradicate them or every time the exterminator or myself sprays, the nest can split and multiply.

So the past four years have been for nothing. Ugghh. I don’t think the exterminator believed how bad they were because I never let them get out of control in my home. I would spray myself before he got here because I DON’T WANT ANTS IN MY HOUSE!

I learned how to bait them and did so starting last Saturday. I put out grape jelly and borax on a plate in front of my steps and the corner where my refrigerator is. There were hundreds of ants in a few short hours. I thought a lot of them were dead, but Sunday morning they were all gone and so they took the bait back to the nest. They were coming back Sunday afternoon for more and I gladly fed them some more. I then put a plate out by my shed and spread some on my skirting and out they came. I swear there were thousands.

I left the bait and plates out for the exterminator to see when he came on Monday. I could tell he was astounded. I truly don’t think he believed me all this time, but he sure does now.

This has been another thing I’ve had to add to my survival schedule. I call it my survival schedule because that’s all I feel like I’m doing these days. Yesterday I went to the grocery store after my doctor appointment and I came home and wanted to die. I had to go out and check on the ants a couple times and by last night I was sitting in bed crying the pain was so unbearable.

I am still walking two days a week. I’ve added one more lap so I’m walking 10 laps around the ministry center at church. Twenty minutes twice a week. The first 7 weeks I felt so horrible I wanted to throw up half way through my 9 laps. Now the past two weeks I just feel completely depleted and exhausted. I have to keep telling myself, “You can do this”, “Lift your feet up”, “Just one step at a time”, “Only ___ laps to go, you’re almost done”, “You can go home and pass out when you’re done.”

I try not to schedule anything else on Mondays and Thursdays when I walk because I usually come home, have a quick lunch and pass out on the couch for three hours. I love people who say, “Exercise, you’ll feel better.” When they find out you have fibromyagia. Let me tell you, that is NOT the truth. I feel like I want to die. But I also know my knee was giving me major issues and I couldn’t lose weight because I wasn’t able to do much so I knew for my health I have to do something. So I’m walking two days a week and I am so grateful to the church for allowing me to do that inside the ministry center.

I tried to walk outside one day when the church was closed and I had a major asthma attack, because I can no longer take the singulair that I was on for fifteen years. Needless to say, that has complicated matters tremendously.

Oh and let’s not forget it’s grass cutting season and I don’t have enough money to pay anyone to do my lawn for me so I have to. And of course that kicks up my asthma too. So I have to cut the grass and then quickly come inside put my clothes in the wash and quickly get into the shower to wash the grass and pollen away.

If you’re still reading and you’re healthy, please don’t take one moment for granted. I miss the days when I could do everyday routine things and then go and do something I enjoy. Now all I can do is the routine stuff and I cant even keep up with all that. My home is in desperate need of cleaning and decluttering. There’s just never enough energy and pain free moments to keep up with everything. I’m so overwhelmed.

I was hoping by now there would be someone in my life to help me and love me through the painful nights, but I see that’s not to be a reality in my world so I just have to get up each lonely day and push through and do the best I can and let the rest go.

How I long for a day to feel well enough to do more than just survival. I’d love to go sit by the river and watch the water flow. Go to the library and wander through the books. Go have a cup of coffee and people watch. So many things I’d like to do, but my limited energy is gone before I can get anything done.

Add to all the stress the long term disablity company called my doctor and was questioning him about me. Why I’m not in physical therapy (because I’ve done that 5 or 6 times already and I’ve gotten all I can out of it and I don’t have any money to do it again anyway), and I guess they were questioning my treatment. I probably should have asked my doctor more questions about the conversation, but I just couldn’t deal with any more stress. This is the same long term disability company that cut me off at two years and when they were audited four years later my case was re-evaluated and I won and got four years of back pay from them. And yet, here they go again. They just want to find a way to stop paying me. Every day I feel like they’re going to pull the rug out from under me and I’ll wind up homeless. I so wish I felt well enough to work and take care of myself. Living on disability sucks. (But that’s a story for another day)

Obviously I’ve been needing to write for a long time. Maybe I’ll go back to writing here everyday. I was trying to keep my problems and negativity off of here, but I’m just being honest and releasing stress.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. The ants seems to be decreasing.
2. I was able to nap a little bit today.
3. It felt really good to write all this.

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Processing

I realize it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted a blog.  I’ve been processing a lot of things in my mind and in my life.   Not life threatening and not entirely overwhelming, but maybe perplexing would be an accurate description. 

The ants were working overtime on infiltrating my home and I needed to take my food money to pay for the exterminator.  My brother has cancelled the dinner at my mom’s house because he didn’t get his way and get my mom to give him my phone number.  Lawn mowing has begun again and I’ve mowed the lawn twice already.  There were many dead leaves from the winter in my yard that needed to be raked, even though I don’t have a tree in my yard.  My finances are a complete disaster and I am terrified about each day as it comes.   I’ve been searching my home for things I can sell to make ends meet here.  I had a man yell at me at a meeting over what was really nonsense but it brought out feelings and insecurities in me that is still surprising me.  I found out two men had a bet about which one could get me into bed.  My 35 year old second cousin passed away unexpectedly on Friday.  

So as you can see from the above, nothing life threatenting, but lots of perplexing things.  I feel like I just can’t get my life together the way it should be in so many areas.  I’m 47 now and  the emotions I felt after the man at that meeting yelled at me surfaced and are still haunting me I realize I may never be capable of being in a healthy relationship with a man.  I am severely damaged and broken and full of raging insecurities.  After learning about the bet those two men had about me I felt betrayed, hurt, confused, angry and so many other emotions.

When I read about my cousin’s death I wondered, why her?  She had a loving husband and two children.  Why didn’t God take me when I was 32 with those aneurysms?  I wouldn’t have been missed nearly as much as she will be, why?   

I try my best to do the right thing and be nice to others, and some wonder why I remain so distant and don’t let them close to me.  Is it any wonder that I isolate myself and keep my heart very guarded.  I’ve learned from early on that most people don’t care about me and my best interests, that’s my job.  I realize I may sound cynical, but it’s what I’ve learned throughout my life.  I’ve never had anyone to stand up for me and tell the bullies it’s not ok to hurt me.  Not when I was a little girl and not now.  I’m just now learning how to do this for myself at this late stage of life.

Next time you’re ready to make a quick judgement about someone take a moment to think about what they may have experienced along their journey and try to treat them with kindness. 

I’m not posting this for pity.  I’m not depressed.  I’m just in deep thought about my life and the state it’s currently in.  I know sometimes my writing comes across as if I’m not ok.  I am ok.  I’m just melancholy and pondering many different emotions and thoughts these days. 

Today I’m grateful for:
1.  I had food for today.
2.  The exterminator was here so my ants should be under control for at least a month, I hope.
3.  I’m seeing a lot of emotions and insecurities that I buried over the years and dealing with them as best I can. 

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Trying Again

Over the years I’ve been verbally and mentally abused by many different people, including family.  It’s taken me until I was well into my forties before I learned to stand up for myself and draw some tough boundaries to protect my heart. 

Whenever we draw boundaries it can cause some people to take offense and get angry.  And with some people it may be necessary to cut them out of your life completely for a time, which is what happened with my brother.

He was overstepping many boundaries and saying very mean and hurtful things about me and to me when I cut him out of my life and changed my phone number so he could not contact me. 

Well, here we are three years later and he told my mom he wants to talk to me.  I sat and prayed about it last night and I’ve come up with a solution that will make my mom happy and still allow my boundaries to be in place.   I told her I will go to her apartment for a dinner with him and his wife and my sister.  I don’t want him to have my phone number.  I will not meet with him or talk to him anywhere else, but at my mom’s. 

I realize that may sound harsh, but you need to know the history.  We grew up in a very dysfunctional alcoholic home and his role was the instigator.  To this day he likes to get everyone angry with each other by saying things that the ohter one said about the other.  Most of the time there was no truth to the lies he was speaking but my mom and sister would believe the things he said that I said (that I never said at all) and then there would be animosity between us.  Since I’ve changed my phone number and cut him out of my life, my mom sister and I have gotten along great.  I’m not willing to give that up again. 

I’d like to believe that he isn’t aware of the pain he causes.  That this is just another symptom of growing up in such dysfunction.  Alcoholism is such a destruction disease not only to the alcoholic, but to the family members as well.  There is so much pain and hurt it’s hard to know what was intentional and what was learned behavior.  So I have forgiven my brother, but I will be guarding my heart very carefully.

So the ball is now in his court if he wants to meet with me at my mom’s.  My phone number is a privilege to have, not a right.  He has to earn my trust and that will take a while.  If he starts acting like a brother instead of an enemy then we’ll go from there. 

Today I’m Grateful for:

1.  Morriss is such a sweet fuzzy child.
2.  I had food for today.
3.  I had a decent nap this afternoon.

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