Morriss Wednesday

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This is how I’ve felt the past week and a half, like I was going to die any moment.  Mom found this picture on Facebook and when I saw it I knew I had to share it with all my fans.

Thankfully I’m feeling much better.  I know mom has been really worried about me, especially when I would go hide under the couch for no reason.  I always hide under there for fireworks and storms, but I’ve been going under there when I wasn’t feeling well because I didn’t want mom to worry, but it ended up worrying her more.  I’m so glad that’s over.

Mom has been so good to me during this whole time.  Giving me the food I want and sometimes two different cans at a time so I had a choice.  Don’t tell mom, but I was playing her.  It’s still working, by the way.  I get her to give me two different kinds of food and then I save them for overnight so I can pig out.  Life is good.

I’m sending out a plea to help mom with the vet bill.  I know she’s going to be short money this month because of me and the washer dying.  If you can do anything I know mom would appreciate it tremendously.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  I have a great mom.  She’s been petting me while I eat and making sure my every need and want is met.

2.  I’m feeling so much better.  All the sores on my back are gone.

3.  Mom has been home during the storms for me.

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Feeling Panicked

Morriss is hiding under the couch and that has me worried about him.  Usually he only goes under there when there are fireworks or storms.  Neither of which is happening right now.   He has been eating and seemed to be doing ok, but this hiding tells me he’s not feeling himself.

I just sat down and paid bills and did some calculating for next month and I’m going to fall short of my bills by $75 and that doesn’t even count for gas or food.  So I’ll be in the red over $250.  I’m terrified.  I know Morriss is going to need to have the other tests done or maybe be put down, but I can’t afford to do anything.

I’m trying not to panic, but I don’t have anywhere to turn.  I’m looking around the house to see if I have anything to sell on ebay.

Lord, please help me.  I just want to sit and cry, but I know that won’t solve anything and may make Morriss worse.

I know I’m not the only person on the earth going through this, but it sure feels like it when you’re all alone in the world.

If you pray, please pray for me.  I’m alone, I’m terrified, and I just don’t know which way to turn anymore.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  I had food for today.

2.  My bills are paid for today.

3.  This is all just temporary and one day I’ll be in heaven and won’t have to worry about all these things.

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Morriss Update

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I haven’t been feeling well for a while.   I know I am a hard cat to figure out so I don’t blame mom for not knowing what to do with me.  I changed my mind about the food I like once again.  So mom has a cabinet full of food I won’t eat anymore.  I don’t mean to be difficult, but it’s just who I am.  DON’T JUDGE ME!

I love mom for taking care of me.  I was really sick on monday morning.  I couldn’t stop throwing up.  Mom’s poor living room carpet looks like a minefield.  I didn’t mean to be such a problem, but I couldn’t help myself.

Mom did some stuff on the computer and then called the vet.  After quickly taking a shower mom whisked me into the carrier.  (Which I HATE and usually fight horribly to get away).  But alas, I knew I was too sick to fight or argue.  Of course, that didn’t stop me from screaming all the way to the vet.  Thankfully it was only a five minute drive.  The doctor was much nicer than the last place she took me.  But I made it very clear there would be NO THERMOMETER IN THE ANAL REGION!!!!  Thankfully he took my threat seriously.

Mom told the vet everything she could to help him figure out what to do with me.  I have terrible skin allergies every year during the summer, but this year has been the worst.  I’ve been tearing my fur out and of course swallowing it causing major hairballs everyday.  I have scabs on my back from biting myself.  I know mom wanted to do something sooner, but she didn’t have any money so she prayed it would just get better like it has every other year.  But it didn’t.

The vet wanted to to bloodwork and xrays on me, but mom couldn’t afford the $368 that would cost.  So they decided to deal with the most immediate problems and see if I would be ok.  So I got three needles in my behind.  I was good until the last one.  I let out a scream that could be heard for miles around.   Mom asked what the shots were and the vet told her before he administered each one.  One was a two week antibiotic, one was anti vomiting medicine, and one was a steroid to help with my allergy.

I felt so bad to be putting mom through all this.  When we were ready to leave the lady told mom it would be $132.02 and mom showed her, her phone and told her she had applied online for credit.  I felt so bad.  I know mom doesn’t have the money to pay for that.  I love mom for doing what she needed to do to make me ok.

Mom stayed home with me all day Monday to make sure I was ok and pet me while I ate.  I’ve been sitting on my towel by the front door since the ordeal.  I am feeling better.  I know mom has been putting something in my food, but I’m eating it anyway because I am starving.

Mom had to go to the store to get me special food for hairballs yesterday and more of my new favorite food so I will eat.  I didn’t want her to go.  That’s why I’ve been sitting in front of the door, I don’t want mom to leave me alone.  But mom explained that we don’t have anyone who can go and get  this for us so she had to go.  She promised to be back quickly and she was.

So all in all I’m feeling  better today.  I haven’t vomited since Monday.  I’m still a little spaced out from all the shots.  I’m praying mom can find a way to pay the vet bill and the washer bill.   I wish I could do something to help mom, she’s so good to me.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  My mom loves me and takes care of me.

2.  I’m feeling a bit better.

3.  A nice vet.  (I still don’t like them, but he was very nice to me.)   Thank you Dr. Myers from Cherryville Animal Hospital in Walnutport, PA!

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Unexpected Blessings

The rollercoaster ride called  “My Life” continues.  As much as I didn’t want to have to replace my washer, that was less than four years old, there were some blessings I wouldn’t have expected.

-A friend sent me $150 towards the $444 for the new machine.  Only $294 to go.

-Since I searched for reviews about my new washer on Amazon, they gave me recommendations  for “portable washers”.  And I do mean “portable”.  They only wash a pair of jeans or a couple shirts at a time, but they are able to be used in apartments where there is no hook up for a washer.  You don’t even have to hook them up to the faucet.  You can fill them with a bucket.  So that opened up a whole lot of options that I thought were closed.

-The new washer came Tuesday and it is wonderful.  I’m loving this basic Whirlpool washer with an agitator and knobs instead of electronic buttons.  I like being able to choose my water level and open the lid and see what is going on in there.

So all in all, the washer dying was an unexpected blessing.  I really needed to know that someone/ anyone cared about me and the unexpected gift  helped me feel better about myself and my life.  The knowledge that even if I have to go to an apartment that doesn’t allow a washer there are alternatives in those portable machines.  And my new washer is getting my clothes, towels, and sheets far cleaner that that high efficiency model ever did.  Everything is smelling fresher and looking brighter.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  I like my new washer better than the high efficiency machine that just died.

2.  Friends.

3.  Writing.

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Just When You Think….

Just when you think it couldn’t possibly get any worse… the washing machine that’s only 3.5 years old dies.  Ugghh.

So to recap my world…. I can’t sell my home for what I owe, I can’t go into senior housing because I’m not sick enough, I need my own washer so I don’t break out in life threatening hives, and a multitude of other issues.  I’m so overwhelmed I feel like I’m just standing and watching a swirling world of chaos and confusion circling around me.   I truly don’t understand any of this.   I spent most of today asking God to please show me the why behind all these problems in my life.  I got no answers.

Sadly the washer can’t be repaired because it would cost more than it’s worth.  Thankfully the service guy told me that without making me pay a service call of $89.

I’m in so much debt I don’t think I’ll ever see the light of day.  I wanted to be out of this house before winter because I have no more credit to pay for propane for heat, but it looks like I’m going to be stuck here for a while.  I have no idea how I’m going to buy food that I’m quickly running out of and I’m just totally overwhelmed by my life.

When you’ve been on disability as long as I have many friends avoid you because they just don’t know what to say or do anymore.  I guess they don’t realize that only makes my life even lonelier and more painful.  Many people try to give advice, but they’re doing it from a perspective that isn’t even close to the reality that I’m living.

So today has been a really bad day.  I’m really feeling very hopeless and overwhelmed.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  The good news is I was able to drain the water out of the washer and salvage my clothes when it died.

2.  I can’t figure anything in my life out right now so I’m leaving it with God.  He’s up all night.  Hopefully he’ll help me somehow.

3.  A store gave me credit and I found a cheap closeout washer that will be delivered Tuesday.  (Now I just need to figure out how to pay for it.)

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Roadblocks

I need to drop back and punt.  I saw Dr. Ehrig today.  I asked about the senior subsidized housing and, no, I am not eligible.  I am not mobility impaired or mentally disabled, so that eliminates many choices.  The other subsidized housing does not allow cats so that eliminates a few more places.  Add to that I need a place with my own washer.  I am highly allergic to almost all detergents and before I bought my house I had uncontrollable hives.  I still have hives but not as bad as before.  So I need an affordable place under $700 a month that allows Morriss where I can have a washer.  From what I’ve been seeing that will be a needle in a haystack.  So the need to drop back and punt.  I guess I’m stuck here for a while.

In the meantime I will continue to de-clutter and scale down to the most loved and important things.

I also told Dr. Ehrig about my jaw and he listened very carefully with a stethoscope and then my heart and wants me to have an ultrasound.  He said the artery in the neck isn’t a normal artery to get an aneurysm, but he did look concerned.  So now I wait for the hospital to call to set up the ultrasound.

I’m so very tired.  I feel like I’m stuck in a box and trying to kick my way out but the box won’t break.  I’ve had people tell me that I am the only one that can change my life and make it better.  I just want to know HOW?!?  I don’t wallow in these things.  If you would see me out most likely you would think I didn’t have any problems.  I try to be cheerful and upbeat, but when I’m alone and fighting to get through each day I feel totally overwhelmed and defeated.

Tomorrow is a new day if God allows me to see it.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  Even though things didn’t go well today I still kept my commitment to me to walk.

2.  I took a much needed three hour nap this afternoon.  (I’ve only been sleeping an hour or two at a time every night for the past two months, so three hours straight was wonderful!!!)

3.  I gave two books to the neighbor to keep.  So two books out of the house today.

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Harder Than I Thought

Everything I’m trying to do is much harder than I originally thought it would be.  Part of the problem is I’m a lot weaker than I was when I moved into this house thirteen years ago.  The other part is I can’t seem to think my way out of a wet paper bag these days.  And being alone is not making this easy.

I’m seriously wondering if I’m suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from all the stress I’ve been under these past four years.  I will be bringing this up to Dr. Ehrig tomorrow along with a list of other concerns.  At the top of my list is the muscle spasm/or heartbeat that I’ve been feeling in my jaw.  Since I’ve had three aneurysms I’m concerned that this may be another one lurking.  I’ve also had the silver dots around my eyes the past few months on and off like I had when I had the other aneurysms.  I’m hoping I’m wrong and it’s just muscle spasms, but I need to know either way.

I feel like I’m all over the place.  I was trying to find a realtor to sell my house before getting it ready to show.  And I’ve  been looking for apartments because a lot of the senior subsidized housing has years long waiting lists, but I’m not even sure I’m eligible with fibromyalgia.  The other major issue is if I don’t have my own washer I’ll be breaking out in hives because I’m so allergic to most laundry detergents.  So another question for Dr. Ehrig tomorrow.

So I’ve been trying to move forward, but I really can’t until I deal with all the things I need to get rid of to de-clutter my home.  I feel a small victory today, I took my coffee table out for trash because it’s had a broken leg for years.  I moved my small desk to the living room so I have a place to go through things where it’s cooler because the small bedroom is hot as hell.   Not near as much as I hoped to get done today, but with the overwhelming pain and fatigue I had today from a horrible night’s sleep and 90+ degree heat outside making my home 85 degrees with both air conditioners running, I consider what I did today a lot.

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  I got a one item out of the house.

2.  I’m doing the best I can with the all the health challenges I deal with everyday.

3.  I will get some much needed answers tomorrow from Dr. Ehrig.

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