I’ve been wanting to write for a long time now. I’ve scribbled so many ideas in my notebook to write about, but then reality hits me and I just can’t seem to see above the tidal wave that’s about to engulf me. I really don’t want to post anything negative, so I’ve been avoiding posting. But tonight I just can’t be silent any longer.
I’m overwhelmed by this thing we call life. I know God is in control. It’s just terrifying to be alone trying to handle everything.
I’m still walking twice a week and my legs are getting stronger, but it doesn’t take away the fibromyalgia pain. It actually makes the pain worse at night and makes me cry myself to sleep, but I know I need to be stronger just to be able to be alone and do the things I need to do to take care of me and Morriss. So it’s non-negotiable. I must walk two days a week.
Tonight I was on the computer to pay a couple bills. I realize sadly I will have $1.00 left for food and gas for the month. That’s not going to work. I so wanted to be out of this house before winter hit, but there’s no where cheaper that I can go to. Did I say I’m overwhelmed?!
A couple weeks ago when I saw my doctor he could tell by my blood pressure and my look of distress on my face that I was beyond distraught and stressed. He sent a social worker in to talk with me to see if she could figure out any programs that could help me. I knew the answer before talking to her, but I was open to whatever she had to offer. And yes, I was right, I am just over the limit for everything. So no, there’s no help for me. I’m single with no kids, so I did everything right, but in the eyes of our government I did everything wrong and they won’t help me with anything.
Sorry to be such a downer. I will try to pick myself up once again.
The good news is I do have something new I’ve been losing myself in. I found a $15 battery operated musical keyboard on ebay and for the last three weeks I’ve been following a free ebook, and teaching myself to play. It’s been a life saver on nights like tonight. I get lost in the scales, chords, and try to play simple songs. So that’s what I’m going to do now.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. The keyboard and music.
2. This computer.
3. I will be able to at least pay my bills.