Bogged Down

I’ve been wanting to write for a long time now.  I’ve scribbled so many ideas  in my notebook to write about, but then reality hits me and I just can’t seem to see above the tidal wave that’s about to engulf me.   I really don’t want to post anything negative, so I’ve been avoiding posting.  But tonight I just can’t be silent any longer.

I’m overwhelmed by this thing we call life.  I know God is in control.  It’s just terrifying to be alone trying to handle everything.

I’m still walking twice a week and my legs are getting stronger, but it doesn’t take away the fibromyalgia pain.  It actually makes the pain worse at night and makes me cry myself to sleep, but I know I need to be stronger just to be able to be alone and do the things I need to do to take care of me and Morriss.  So it’s non-negotiable.  I must walk two days a week.

Tonight I was on the computer to pay a couple bills.  I realize sadly I will have $1.00 left for food and gas for the month.  That’s not going to work.  I so wanted to be out of this house before winter hit, but there’s no where cheaper that I can go to.   Did I say I’m overwhelmed?!

A couple weeks ago when I saw my doctor he could tell by my blood pressure and my look of distress on my face that I was beyond distraught and stressed.  He sent a social worker in to talk with me to see if she could figure out any programs that could help me.  I knew the answer before talking to her, but I was open to whatever she had to offer.  And yes, I was right, I am just over the limit for everything.  So no, there’s no help for me.   I’m single with no kids, so I did everything right, but in the eyes of our government I did everything wrong and they won’t help me with anything.

Sorry to be such a downer.  I will try to pick myself up once again.

The good news is I do have something new I’ve been losing myself in.  I found a $15 battery operated musical keyboard on ebay and for the last three weeks I’ve been following a free ebook, and teaching myself to play.  It’s been a life saver on nights like tonight.  I get lost in the scales, chords, and try to play simple songs.   So that’s what I’m going to do now.

 

Today I’m grateful for:

1.  The keyboard and music.

2.  This computer.

3.  I will be able to at least pay my bills.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Bogged Down

  1. Hi Linda, I understand being bogged down and overwhelmed big time!!! I just wrote my own blog the other day after being silent for awhile because everything was so difficult I didn’t know what to say! I like you decided to let the flood gates open!

    Is there a food bank you can go to? We have them here and you can just go and you don’t have to qualify. I know, life can be so hard and I try to look at what I am grateful for too, but it’s hard to do all the time when you are not feeling well. I get it. So, you are not alone and you can email me anytime or Skype me. My email is catduchin@live.ca and you can Skype me at catduchin. Hang in there and I hope to hear from you. 😃

  2. I’m so sorry that you are struggling and all alone. I’ve been in your shoes and trust me I know what it’s like, only I had 4 little kids and the small amount of money I was making at my part time job was too much to qualify for any assistance. I did receive child support, but you know that’s never enough to get by on. I’m now on disability and having a rough time, too. Know you are not alone. I know it sucks, but I keep telling myself, it can only get better because it can’t get too much worse. Hang in there. It’ll all work out. I’m here if you ever want to talk, let me know and I’ll send you my email address or skype. I’ll be praying for you. Take care.

  3. Just stopping by to say “hi” and see how you are doing. I hope you are hanging in there and things have gotten “better” at least a little. Still praying for you, girl. You can do it! I’m here and I hear you. I get it. I’ve lived it. I’m living it, and it sucks, but I’m still standing, although wobbly. When you get a chance and you feel up to it, let me know how you’re doing, please. I care. 🙂

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