I’m sad, but at peace today.
All I ever wanted was a husband to love me and a home to call my own. Well the husband never came. The home isn’t exactly what I had in mind, but it’s been mine for the past thirteen years.
Sadly I’ve had to take a really hard look at the reality that is my life, and admit that physically and financially I can no longer stay in my home that I’ve worked so hard to keep. I thought five years ago when I started dating again, after many years of being too scared of being hurt, maybe I’d find someone to love me that would be here for me and be my helpmate. I’ve watched many people find someone and get married in those five years, but all I found was more pain and hurt than ever before. So time to face reality. I’m alone. I’m sick. I’m terrified. And I need to take care of me since I have no one else.
These past few weeks have been extremely emotional. I know what I must do and I’ve begun the legwork of looking for another place and selling mine. I’ve told my neighbors not to be surprised when they see the For Sale sign go up. I doubt this will happen in the next few weeks, but I’m hoping by the brunt of winter that I will be in a new place with Morriss.
My heart is so heavy this morning for all the things that could have been, that aren’t. I truly thought I’d found the love of my life and we would make a life together. Instead I was lied to, and strung along until my heart feels like it can no longer beat without me telling it to. I thought it would heal faster, but maybe it never will. And now to see that I’m sinking financially and in so much debt from trying to keep this house going and knowing that I will have to go into senior/subsidized housing I just feel like such a total failure.
Add to all that my health. I’ve been noticing many things I can no longer do and such major fatigue I can’t get anything done except survival tasks like grocery store, dishes, doctor appointments, etc. I’ve been hoping that walking two days a week would strengthen me, and I’m sure it is to some degree, but I also realize the fibromyalgia has a strangle hold on my body and rules my life.
So as sad as I am over the difficult choices I must make, I’m at peace with the decision to sell my home because I know in my heart I can no longer keep up with it financially or physically. I know in an apartment I only need to take care of me and Morriss. I know I will have more money so I will be able to work on paying down all the debt I’ve created trying to keep this house going.
Today I’m grateful for:
2. I have left overs for dinner.
3. The ability to make tough decisions.