Seems Like a Really Long Time

You may be wondering where I’ve been. Well, I’ve been trying to survive as best I can. I’ve been in unbelievable pain. Pain so bad Ive taken to crying myself to sleep at night.

I know it’s because I’ve been really stressed by my life and circumstances. Financially I am terrified. There just isn’t enough money to keep up. Food has gotten so very expensive. I haven’t felt well enough to begin selling some personal items on ebay, because…

The ants were trying to invade my home with a vengeance as soon as May began. A friend sent me some links online and I learned far more about these ants than I cared to know. Thanks Michelle!

These ants can build nests in your walls, subfloors, electrical outlets, underground. EEEEkKKKKK! They must be baited to eradicate them or every time the exterminator or myself sprays, the nest can split and multiply.

So the past four years have been for nothing. Ugghh. I don’t think the exterminator believed how bad they were because I never let them get out of control in my home. I would spray myself before he got here because I DON’T WANT ANTS IN MY HOUSE!

I learned how to bait them and did so starting last Saturday. I put out grape jelly and borax on a plate in front of my steps and the corner where my refrigerator is. There were hundreds of ants in a few short hours. I thought a lot of them were dead, but Sunday morning they were all gone and so they took the bait back to the nest. They were coming back Sunday afternoon for more and I gladly fed them some more. I then put a plate out by my shed and spread some on my skirting and out they came. I swear there were thousands.

I left the bait and plates out for the exterminator to see when he came on Monday. I could tell he was astounded. I truly don’t think he believed me all this time, but he sure does now.

This has been another thing I’ve had to add to my survival schedule. I call it my survival schedule because that’s all I feel like I’m doing these days. Yesterday I went to the grocery store after my doctor appointment and I came home and wanted to die. I had to go out and check on the ants a couple times and by last night I was sitting in bed crying the pain was so unbearable.

I am still walking two days a week. I’ve added one more lap so I’m walking 10 laps around the ministry center at church. Twenty minutes twice a week. The first 7 weeks I felt so horrible I wanted to throw up half way through my 9 laps. Now the past two weeks I just feel completely depleted and exhausted. I have to keep telling myself, “You can do this”, “Lift your feet up”, “Just one step at a time”, “Only ___ laps to go, you’re almost done”, “You can go home and pass out when you’re done.”

I try not to schedule anything else on Mondays and Thursdays when I walk because I usually come home, have a quick lunch and pass out on the couch for three hours. I love people who say, “Exercise, you’ll feel better.” When they find out you have fibromyagia. Let me tell you, that is NOT the truth. I feel like I want to die. But I also know my knee was giving me major issues and I couldn’t lose weight because I wasn’t able to do much so I knew for my health I have to do something. So I’m walking two days a week and I am so grateful to the church for allowing me to do that inside the ministry center.

I tried to walk outside one day when the church was closed and I had a major asthma attack, because I can no longer take the singulair that I was on for fifteen years. Needless to say, that has complicated matters tremendously.

Oh and let’s not forget it’s grass cutting season and I don’t have enough money to pay anyone to do my lawn for me so I have to. And of course that kicks up my asthma too. So I have to cut the grass and then quickly come inside put my clothes in the wash and quickly get into the shower to wash the grass and pollen away.

If you’re still reading and you’re healthy, please don’t take one moment for granted. I miss the days when I could do everyday routine things and then go and do something I enjoy. Now all I can do is the routine stuff and I cant even keep up with all that. My home is in desperate need of cleaning and decluttering. There’s just never enough energy and pain free moments to keep up with everything. I’m so overwhelmed.

I was hoping by now there would be someone in my life to help me and love me through the painful nights, but I see that’s not to be a reality in my world so I just have to get up each lonely day and push through and do the best I can and let the rest go.

How I long for a day to feel well enough to do more than just survival. I’d love to go sit by the river and watch the water flow. Go to the library and wander through the books. Go have a cup of coffee and people watch. So many things I’d like to do, but my limited energy is gone before I can get anything done.

Add to all the stress the long term disablity company called my doctor and was questioning him about me. Why I’m not in physical therapy (because I’ve done that 5 or 6 times already and I’ve gotten all I can out of it and I don’t have any money to do it again anyway), and I guess they were questioning my treatment. I probably should have asked my doctor more questions about the conversation, but I just couldn’t deal with any more stress. This is the same long term disability company that cut me off at two years and when they were audited four years later my case was re-evaluated and I won and got four years of back pay from them. And yet, here they go again. They just want to find a way to stop paying me. Every day I feel like they’re going to pull the rug out from under me and I’ll wind up homeless. I so wish I felt well enough to work and take care of myself. Living on disability sucks. (But that’s a story for another day)

Obviously I’ve been needing to write for a long time. Maybe I’ll go back to writing here everyday. I was trying to keep my problems and negativity off of here, but I’m just being honest and releasing stress.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. The ants seems to be decreasing.
2. I was able to nap a little bit today.
3. It felt really good to write all this.

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Seems Like a Really Long Time

  1. What state do you live in? I feel so bad for you. I am on disability also. I am not as bad as you but I hurt. It hurts to work. Sometimes it hurts to write. I have diabetic neuropathy and I only get 460 a month because I was a stay at home mommy most of my working years. Now I can only work so much in order to keep me still receiving my big check. It isn’t enough to live on. I just blogged tonight about groceries and how I can’t afford them. I care my friend

  2. Your story really tugged at my heart strings Linda and I am so sorry that you have to live like this and that your life is so hard. I hope that with the work that you have done you will at least get rid of the ants and that will be one less stress to deal with.

  3. Linda, I too wish I lived near you but I am up in Canada. I care about you and what you are going through which is brutal and to he sick on top of it all. Do you have a family member close by that could help you out in some way? Sometimes you have to ask for the help, because it is too much and just I believe makes you sicker. I look forward to hearing back from you. Hugs, Cathy

    • Sadly my family has never been a support system. They’re either in denial about my illness or just don’t believe me. Either way my illness is not a subject that is open to be discussed. I am shut down if I even bring it up, so I’ve learned to just smile and pretend.

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