I realize it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted a blog. I’ve been processing a lot of things in my mind and in my life. Not life threatening and not entirely overwhelming, but maybe perplexing would be an accurate description.
The ants were working overtime on infiltrating my home and I needed to take my food money to pay for the exterminator. My brother has cancelled the dinner at my mom’s house because he didn’t get his way and get my mom to give him my phone number. Lawn mowing has begun again and I’ve mowed the lawn twice already. There were many dead leaves from the winter in my yard that needed to be raked, even though I don’t have a tree in my yard. My finances are a complete disaster and I am terrified about each day as it comes. I’ve been searching my home for things I can sell to make ends meet here. I had a man yell at me at a meeting over what was really nonsense but it brought out feelings and insecurities in me that is still surprising me. I found out two men had a bet about which one could get me into bed. My 35 year old second cousin passed away unexpectedly on Friday.
So as you can see from the above, nothing life threatenting, but lots of perplexing things. I feel like I just can’t get my life together the way it should be in so many areas. I’m 47 now and the emotions I felt after the man at that meeting yelled at me surfaced and are still haunting me I realize I may never be capable of being in a healthy relationship with a man. I am severely damaged and broken and full of raging insecurities. After learning about the bet those two men had about me I felt betrayed, hurt, confused, angry and so many other emotions.
When I read about my cousin’s death I wondered, why her? She had a loving husband and two children. Why didn’t God take me when I was 32 with those aneurysms? I wouldn’t have been missed nearly as much as she will be, why?
I try my best to do the right thing and be nice to others, and some wonder why I remain so distant and don’t let them close to me. Is it any wonder that I isolate myself and keep my heart very guarded. I’ve learned from early on that most people don’t care about me and my best interests, that’s my job. I realize I may sound cynical, but it’s what I’ve learned throughout my life. I’ve never had anyone to stand up for me and tell the bullies it’s not ok to hurt me. Not when I was a little girl and not now. I’m just now learning how to do this for myself at this late stage of life.
Next time you’re ready to make a quick judgement about someone take a moment to think about what they may have experienced along their journey and try to treat them with kindness.
I’m not posting this for pity. I’m not depressed. I’m just in deep thought about my life and the state it’s currently in. I know sometimes my writing comes across as if I’m not ok. I am ok. I’m just melancholy and pondering many different emotions and thoughts these days.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. I had food for today.
2. The exterminator was here so my ants should be under control for at least a month, I hope.
3. I’m seeing a lot of emotions and insecurities that I buried over the years and dealing with them as best I can.