I started to tear up as the Macy’s Parade began this morning because another holiday season begins and I’m still here alone. Sometimes I feel like the loneliness with totally engulf me.
I am realizing that even though I’m lonely, the loneliness is not driving me to find just anyone, I refuse to settle for less than I deserve. Two things among many that I keep in mind when interacting with men. 1.) My grandmother told me, “You can’t change the stripes on a zebra” meaning don’t go into any relationship thinking you can change the other person. and 2.) Anything you have to manipulate to get, you will have to manipulate to keep. So if the person doesn’t want to be with me then nevermind.
I guess it’s really not so much loneliness that’s driving me as it is a desire to find that special man to love and be loved by. I want someone to share special moments and everyday life.
I’m now five years into this adventure of dating and trying to find that special someone. Unfortunately, dating isn’t at all like it used to be and I’ve given up trying. I’ve deleted myself from online dating sites after much disappointment.
The good news I have learned what I do and don’t want.
I don’t want a man who can’t make up his mind or commit to one woman. I don’t want a cheater or womanizer. I don’t want a man who doesn’t want to support himself. I don’t want a man who is “shopping” around and dating more than one woman at a time. I don’t want someone who wants me to be submissive. (I want a partner, not a master.) And I absolutely don’t want an abuser, verbal or physical. I don’t want a man who drinks or does drugs.
Now for what I do want.
I want to see love in his eyes for me. I want someone who loves me just the way I am and isn’t going to try to change me. I want someone who respects and encourages me. I want a man with the same values and morals that I consider important. I want someone who will love me even though I live in chronic pain and get cranky sometimes. I want someone who understands my need to write and be creative. I want a partner. Someone to share life with. Someone who will buy me a purple rose and tell me I’m beautiful and show me they love me by their actions.
As I wrote this I realized I may never find that someone and I just need to be happy in this moment. This is all temporary and I need to enjoy what is for right now.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. Starting my Thanksgiving Day with the parade, coffee, and writing.
2. I’m closer to knowing what I want in a relationship than I was five years ago.
3. I have electricity and heat this morning.