Feeling Beaten Down

I try so hard to keep a positive attitude, but this unrelenting pain and lack of sleep make it really difficult. Day after day after day of feeling like you’re being beat against a rock doesn’t make for a sunny disposition.

And friends are busy with their lives. Sadly I can’t be a part of that world because I can’t afford to do the things everyone else is doing and even if I could, I doubt my body would keep up.

I almost lost one of my better friends when we decided to go on a trip for a weekend together. I didn’t tie her to the room I told her to go and enjoy the things I knew I couldn’t, but she chose not to and then resented me for not enjoying herself more. Moral of that story: We can’t travel together ever again.

People say they understand and act like they can empathize, but in reality I’m in this alone. I have to make decisions based on my knowledge of this disease and protect my heart.

I’ve made some really poor decisions in the past few years about people. My gut knew the truth and told me early on, but I didn’t listen to my gut, because I had people telling me that I don’t give people a chance. Well now I did and now I’m dealing with the heartache of being ditched and disappointed once again. I should have listened to my gut.

I know since I’ve gotten sick I’m super sensitive. I try not to be, but it’s really hard when the pain and sleeplessness beat relentlessly on your body.

Looks like it’s time to wipe the slate clean and start over once again. Hopefully this time I’ll listen to my gut and make some better choices. I do have a couple of people that have entered my life that I feel good about so at least I have something to build on.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. My back feels a bit better.

2. I have food for today.

3. It looks like a beautiful day outside.

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