Disappointed

I am extremely disappointed in myself and my life this morning. Yesterday I wanted to get so much done and sadly my body and brain could not process any of it.

I researched menopause symptoms online because I must admit that I have not been able to concentrate on my “Advanced Fiction Writing” class at all. I’ve read the chapters, but couldn’t figure out how to apply what I read and that threw me into a full-fledged panic attack. I experienced this at the last bible study I tried to participate in, but I figured I’d just temporarily lost interest, but no, it’s a problem all around. Well anxiety and lack of concentration and confusion are all symptoms of menopause. UGGGHHH!

I’m grateful that’s all it is, but how much longer am I going to have to live in this hell. I love to learn and I feel like there’s a brick wall up and I can’t get over it, around it, under it or even close to what I need to know on the other side of it.

I know my writing is all jumbled and makes no sense some days, but I just can’t process my thoughts like I used to and it’s beyond frustrating.

Add to all that, the physical pain I’m in every minute of every day and I am extremely disappointed in my life. I’m disappointed in choices I’ve made, people I’ve loved and been thrown in the garbage by, missed opportunities because of my pain or brain, beautiful sunny days I’ve wasted laying on the couch because I was too fatigued to do anything else. So much disappointment. How do you live with this much disappointment? Especially when you know you can’t do a thing about any of it?

I force myself to get up everyday. I force myself to shower and take care of me and Morriss everyday. I force myself to get to my doctor appointments and do what i need to do to survive, but days like today, it all seems so utterly meaningless.

Today I’m grateful for: (I’m digging real deep to find something today.)

1. My home.

2. I can walk, talk, hear, see.

3. Morriss and I have food for today.

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