Refocus

I need to refocus today. I’m so stressed over everything in my life that I can’t control, my finances, home repairs, and my body and pain among other things. I just need to do something I enjoy.

I am hoping after my shower and lunch I will feel well enough to get outside in this beautiful weather and wash and wax my car. I’m not going to get crazy and try to do everything like I used to, because I know I can’t. I just want to wash and wax it. Period. I will worry about windows, vacuuming, and armor-all another day. My car is so filthy the dirt is running down the paint in streaks. Anyone who knows me, knows that is very unlike me.

I’ve had to put this off all summer because every time it was nice enough out for me to work on the car the grass needed to be mowed. Since that nice man, Lloyd, mowed my lawn last Saturday I need to take advantage of this beautiful day God has given me.

I was fighting myself about doing this because I haven’t slept well in way too long and this morning I was up at 3:00 am once again. Ugghhh! Plus I know I have some really busy days coming and I know they will drain me and leave me nothing but a shell of agonizing pain.

But I’m tired of sitting in this house alone with no life.

I was just interrupted by a truck outside my house and surprise, surprise, the garbage truck was here. I never know when to put the trash out anymore when we have a holiday. Usually when we have a holiday they come a day late, but not this week. And of course my trash is not out so it will be festering until next week. OH YAY! And yes, this agitated me more than it probably should have. I feel that familiar menopausal agitation returning with a vengeance and I hate it.

Maybe a day out working in the sun will help. Either that or it will kill me. Either way, right about now, I’m good with that.

I’m so tired, of being broke, alone, in pain, agitated, and pretending to be happy. Because I’ve learned people really don’t want to know how your are. And the people closest to you just get uncomfortable and avoid you if you tell them how things really are. So I’ve learned to just put on a smile and laugh through the pain. Sadly there’s no one to tell all my heartaches and dreams to. That’s why I have this blog I guess. The blog won’t judge me and lets me be as pathetic as I want.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. I finished my homework and quizzes and printed out my new lesson.

2. I have a goal for today. (to wash and wax the car)

3. I have left overs for dinner.

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