The good news is, I’ve lost 7 pounds in the past week. The bad news is, it’s because of the stress and extreme pain that I’m going through. But that’s ok, I’m a survivor and I will press on.
I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been spying on my ex-friend’s Facebook page. The one who chose a barbie doll because she was fertile and could give him the child he’s always wanted. And she has. They had a baby boy. That is all he ever wanted. Even though I am still very hurt from the way he treated me like common garbage after he found the princess, I am happy he finally got what he always wanted. But it was interesting to see that he posted on Facebook that he feels like he has no life. Sometimes those things we think we must have and fight and manipulate to get turn out to be not what we expected and we feel let down and wondering if that’s what we really wanted after all.
I ran into a lady at Wegmans last week and her daughter had what appeared to be the perfect husband and marriage. I even remember a pastor saying he’d never seen a couple so well matched. Well they’re separated now. Kind of makes me wonder if I really want what I’m wishing so hard for.
Disillusionment is a good word to describe it. I think the way it looks in our mind is always superior to the way reality looks. For example: People picture authors just enjoying a life of leisure and sitting down under a palm tree to write the great american novel and then it’s fat city with money rolling in. That is NOT the reality. I personally enjoy writing, so if I never make a dime at it, I’m ok with that. But the more I learn about writing the more I realize it’s a lot of work to construct a novel that engages your readers. Gives me a whole new admiration for the authors that can pull me into their story and keep me hooked.
I guess my biggest epiphany and observation for today is I’m wondering if what I’m pining after is even worth giving another second of my life to. Maybe I’m just better off here in front of my little netbook tapping away at the keys. After all this is where I feel the most joy, the most at home, and the most satisfied.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. I’m so very glad I’ve stuck at the writing of my morning pages and this blog. I know it’s pulling me through this dark period in my life.
2. My life is really hard financially, but I live it on my own terms.
3. I’m hoping today is quiet so I can work on my homework.