I finished 10,000 words yesterday for the month of July for Camp Nano Wrimo. I had originally set my goal at 20,000 words, but I just couldn’t do it with all that’s been going on with my health. Thankfully it’s not like November when you have to write 50,000 words.
I don’t know why in November I can do it, but in the summer I just can’t. I know I feel worse in the heat. Not the case with most fibromyalgia people, but I break out in hives and feel awful and then lets not forget about cutting the grass. That kills a couple of days out of my week just cutting it once a week and then the rest I need afterwards.
So anyway, I printed out the thirty-two, double-spaced pages, 10,000 words this morning.
I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to get it done because I was over 3,000 words behind yesterday, but since Morriss took over the blog I decided to try. Plus I had a really bad night Sunday night and I needed to be in control of something and that was something I could control. Plus I’m looking at ending a relationship that’s been going on for over four years now and ending my 10,000 word goal for July was kind of symbolic.
I told him in May if nothing changed by July then something would change. I would be changing it. All I wanted was a little more time and attention. I understand with working two jobs and three boys his time is limited, but a couple of hours a week shouldn’t be too much. (I’ve never been the demanding type and apparently that’s my biggest mistake)
Well last week when I was so sick and he didn’t have time to even come and see if I was ok or offer to get something for me at the grocery store I realized he really doesn’t love me. Then when he was here the other night and his phone rang and his little boy (who’s been sickly his whole life) needed to go to the hospital I saw what love looks like. I swear his feet didn’t even touch one step on the way out he ran so fast. Never even said good-bye or hugged me or hope you feel better, nothing. That cemented it. He DOES NOT LOVE ME.
So now the hard part. He’s the only person who could ever look at me and see when I was in pain or having a bad day. Or maybe he’s the only one who took the time to look. But if he has no time for me what good does it do anyway.
I just have to realize that I’m in this alone. There’s never going to be anyone here for me to lean on. There’s never going to be a man in my life who adores me and loves me and wants to protect me. They were all childish dreams that just weren’t meant for me.
So finishing Camp Nano Wrimo for me was something I had to do to show myself that I can. I don’t have to be perfect, but I will do what I can do. If my house is a mess, so be it. If I don’t feel well, so be it. I’m done dreaming and hoping on childish things. My reality is, I am sick and I only have a limited number of days and I need to choose how to spend them. I would rather be alone and writing than wishing and hoping and crying all the time. So I need to grit my teeth through this pain and write, write, write.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. It’s not hot like it was a couple of weeks ago.
2. I have pain medication I can take.
3. I don’t have anywhere I have to be today.