Feeling Awful

When I left the house this morning Morriss’ tail was sticking out from under the couch, it was thundering, and the heavens opened up with torrential downpours. It was 8:00 am and I needed to be in the soundroom at church. I was feeling so awful I wanted to die. I barely slept last night and my pain level and nausea was at an all time high. Before I walked out the door I was eating saltine crackers to settle my stomach. Driving up to church the water was rushing down the hill and making it very difficult to get my car up the hill. That made me nervous.

Thankfully I was on the side stage cameras and one is not working so I didn’t have to do too much. I couldn’t wait to get back home to the couch and my ice pack. My shoulder is killing me again because I took two anti-depressants in two weeks. I can only take one a month or it’s a major problem. Uggghhh!

When my mom called asking if I was meeting her and my sister for dinner today, I said, “No.” Of course she still doesn’t get that I’m not feeling well and why. I’ve had fibromyalgia for 14 years and still most of the people in my life don’t get it, nor do they want to. That’s why I just spend a lot of time alone these days. I’m too tired to explain myself and my illness when no one listens anyway, and they forget everything as soon as you tell them.

I’ve been in a real negative tone lately. I don’t like it. But what do you do when you continually feel awful day after day after day after day. I’m getting very worn down and tired. I could tell my doctor was concerned about me by the way he looked at me. I could see the compassion, empathy, and concern in his eyes. We’re the same age, but I feel so much older from fighting this disease for so long.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. I don’t have to try to work like this. I’d never make it.

2. Writing, writing, writing.

3. I had left overs again today so I didn’t have to cook.

4. I did manage to take an awesome 2 hour nap this afternoon.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Feeling Awful

  1. Joel

    Virtual hug and a prayer for you. I like that you make a point to search for gratitude. Never give up & please know that someone cares.

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