Weary of the Fight

Yesterday the rage, hostility, and depression returned with a vengeance. I hate this change of life. I don’t feel like myself at all. I miss the funny me. The me that could laugh about anything and everything. I wonder is she’ll ever come back again….

Then again the more I write I wonder if this is just all the years of stuffing hurts coming out a little at a time. The pain of growing up in an alcoholic home, the pain of being used and thrown away by men, the pain of never feeling quite good enough, the pain of christians rejecting me and turning their backs on me when I needed them most, the pain of feeling left out of my own family, so many hurts and rejections I could be here all day.

Maybe I think too much. Analyze things too much. Have too many expectations. I don’t know. All I know is I want to feel like me. I’m tired of feeling this way. All mixed up, angry, agitated, tired, fatigued, overwhelmed.

Maybe it’s the fibromyalgia making me weary in this fight. Maybe it’s the never having enough money to meet my needs. I really don’t know, but I wish it would just be done with me and move on already.

I get one or two good days and then five or more bad days. It’s just not a ratio I’m happy with. I’m tired. I’m weary of fighting this battle. I feel like a wet wash cloth.

I’m glad I paid off my electric bill and I’m good with that until next month, but my mortgage is still past due and my credit cards are maxed out from the propane bills of the last four years. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with the propane issue this winter. For now I have two tanks full, but. I know I shouldn’t worry about tomorrow, but when you are alone it’s scary.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. My electric bill is at up to date.

2. The aluminum foil over the inside of my windows is keeping the house a bit cooler. It’s only 86 degrees in here by the afternoon instead of well over 90. (and yes that’s with both air conditioners running full blast!)

3. I have $40 for food for the rest of the month. (not enough but…enough for this week and part of next)

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