I’m holding on for dear life hoping not to slip back into the pit of depression again, but I’m holding on by my fingernails and I’m getting weaker by the second. I feel like such a loser that at age 46 I can’t even provide for my needs. I feel like my life is completely useless, like I don’t even make a difference at all except to drain society and those around me.
My mom called last night and she asked how I was doing. I debated in my mind about telling her my fiasco with the electric company and my finances but I did, and in her usual fashion she just changed the subject. I don’t know why I’m surprised by this, but I am. This has been her coping mechanism throughout life with my alcoholic father and all the other problems in life. So in her mind if you ignore it, it will go away or solve itself. So needless to say there’s no help there, there never was. I love my mom, but she copes by shutting out and shutting down.
I guess I’m no different really. I haven’t allowed anyone into my daily life since I got sick. I don’t want to deal with being hurt again so I just shut down. I’ve tried to let a couple of people in over the years, but they just hurt me so now I just live out my days writing with Morriss and being friendly to people who really truly know nothing about me and who I am and what makes me, me. Very sad really. Very insignificant. I just want one person I can share my life and dreams with. Is that really too much to ask? I guess so.
Sorry for the negative tone, but it’s just where I’m at today. I’m in pain, I’m tired, I’m scared, I’m depressed, and I’m wondering if my life will ever be better.
Today I’m grateful for: (this will take some time)
1. For today I have my home and electricity.
2. I have food for today.
3. I have anti-depressants I can take if need be.