My Old Life and Dreams

I know Morriss told you about my weep-fest during the Tony Awards the other night. Let me explain.

Morriss and I were sitting on the couch watching the performance of the Broadway play Cinderella and out of nowhere I started to weep. Not just cry because I felt it deep inside me like a dam had blown apart. I realized this was the first time I’ve watched the Tony’s since I got sick.

I used to watch every year with a pad and paper in hand to write down the names of the shows I wanted to go see. Once a month my friend and I would go to New York, stay over night, and go see a show. Not only did my friend walk away from me, but I haven’t been able to go and see a show since all my health issues started.

I loved New York. The sights, the sounds, the food, and I especially loved the Broadway shows. Years ago when I was much younger I took dance classes and had the opportunity to audition for a performing arts school in New York City. My dream was to be a dancer on Broadway. However my father said, “NO!” End of discussion. In my late twenties I needed knee surgery and even though at that point I probably couldn’t have done it anyway, that was when I let my dream die.

I think part of me died too. I’ve never really looked at this until now. I’ve buried so much pain and covered it over with my addictions over the years. When I gave my life to Christ and became a Christian I thought all that magically disappeared, but it hasn’t. God is just allowing everything to come out a little at a time to be looked at, written about, and then dealt with and let go of.

So two dreams I had for my life were squashed. The first being a dancer on Broadway, the second being a CPA (certified public accountant).

Today my dreams are to find a husband that adores me and loves me. (That one is pretty much extinguished now too.) And to be a writer. (that one I’m still working on)

The performance of Cinderella was absolutely breathtaking and I would love to be able to go to New York just once more and stay overnight and see that play. But my reality is that probably won’t happen.

Those tears were for so many dreams being lost to this damn chronic illness (fibromyalgia). When the tears started I picked up the remote and was going to shut the tv off and just go to bed, but I knew that would just be burying my pain once more. So I watched the entire three hours of the Tony’s and I loved every second of it. I felt that little girl inside of me dancing again. How I’ve missed her. Even though my body can’t do that anymore, the little girl inside of me has never forgotten how. And I am now freeing her to dance to her own tune and leap for joy.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. Tears that cleanse the heart and soul.

2. All the years I was able to enjoy going to New York and all the Broadway shows I had the privilege to see.

3. I still have one dream left.



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2 responses to “My Old Life and Dreams

  1. I feel your pain… Stay strong and keep writing…


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