Change of Plans

I really wanted to acknowledge all my blog awards today, but here I go again. Awake at 2:30 am, my mind reeling, my heart aching with loneliness, and my stomach feeling like someone sucker punched me.

I’m in so much physical and emotional pain this morning I don’t even know what to do with myself. I just want to understand how a man who says he loves me and cares about me can ignore my phone calls and emails. What is wrong with me that men think they can treat me this way? What do I do to deserve being treated so horribly? I’m tired of not belonging to anyone or anywhere and feeling so unloved.

Tears are ready to flow, a lump in my throat from holding them back. I really tried to go back to sleep. Rolling back and forth, no comfort or peace to be found.

I finally gave up and got up at 4:00 am. I’ve had breakfast, fed the cat, wrote my morning pages and writing prompt, watched some of the news, and now fired up the computer at 5:45 am. And of course it froze and I had to shut it down and it took forever to restart. I really hope this netbook isn’t going to die. My blog has become my lifeline. My committment to writing is the only thing making me even want to get up and try one more day.

So I hate to say it, but I think the awards will have to wait once again.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. I can go back to bed if I want to because I don’t have anywhere to be this morning.

2. It’s going to be another nice day outside.

3. As much as I hate not having enough money to get by I’m glad I don’t have to try to work through this disabling fibromyalgia. I’d never make it through an 8 hour day. Hell I’d never make it through 4 hours at this point.

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