Worrying is so useless. All it does it make me miserable. I can’t change a single one of the things that I’m worried about. If I could I wouldn’t feel the obsessive desire to worry about them in the first place.
This is where “let go and let God” comes in from my years in AA. The hardest thing in the world to do. Give your worries over to the big man – God.
I think I’m beginning to understand where my relationship with God hit a wall. He’s a man or at least that’s how we perceive him. I know he’s far better than the average man or human, but all my life men have just used me and thrown me away. As much as I hate where I’m at in my life right now I’m realizing it’s a necessary place for me to work through all these issues. But how…???
When I invited Jesus into my heart fifteen years ago I thought all this pain was miraculously healed, but I’m realizing that I just stuffed it and buried it along with a lot of other painful things. Eventually you have to deal with your stuff if you are to be emotionally healthy.
I managed to avoid men and any form of a relationship that was too close all these years, but now, that is all I want and I don’t know how to do that because I’m so very damaged and broken. I’m hoping through writing I am healing.
I know the first step is realizing you have a problem. So at least I’m there. Maybe before I’m dead I’ll actually be loved by someone and be able to love back.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. The weather is nice and cool.
2. I have food to eat.
3. Morriss has food to eat.