That all too familiar agitation is coming back again. I had to stop the anti-depressant about a month ago because that is what caused my shoulder trigger point to swell and pinch the nerve and cause that major pain. So now what?!?
Yesterday morning after my shower I had a total meltdown. Why I don’t know? Just because living with chronic pain is physically and mentally draining and I just don’t have anything more to give. I was screaming at the top of my lungs at the mirror, “I’M TIRED OF BEING SICK!!!! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!! WHY AM I ALL ALONE TO DEAL WITH THIS????!!!! WHY DOESN’T ANYONE GIVE A S—– ABOUT ME??!!!”
Then last night as I waited for a phone call, that has become my lifeline, that never came, I laid in bed crying once again. Playing Words With Friends on my phone and happy for the distraction I caught sight of myself as the phone blacked out. Swollen watery eyes, lips quivering and realized that I am very unhappy with my entire life.
No husband, no ex-husband, no boyfriend, no ex-boyfriend, no kids, no job. All my friends pretty much moved me to acquaintance when I got too sick to keep up. Alone in this house day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. And even when I do make the effort to go out I just never feel like I quite belong anywhere. I enjoy the writers group and church but I don’t fit in. I talk and laugh and engage with others like I do, but inside I know my life is far different and close bonds will never be formed.
There is only one person with which I’ve been able to form a close bond with and he’s far too busy for me. He’s the only person who can look in my eyes and see the physical pain I’m in. He’s the only one who has taken the time to look. Sadly I know I’m going to have to let him go because he’s not following through on his promises.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. I should have time to nap before taking my friend’s son to work.
2. I have left-overs for dinner.
3. I have clean clothes and soap and shampoo for my shower.