I got absolutely nothing done yesterday except the basics of taking care of me and Morriss. That’s all that ever seems to get done anymore. I run out of energy after my shower, doing the dishes, and lunch. I end up on the couch until it’s time to start dinner. Then it’s dinner dishes and I’m usually in bed by 8:00 pm reading and trying to get my body to relax enough to fall asleep. If I stay up then my body gets tense and too painful for sleep. Which starts a whole negative cycle of pain and insomnia.

It’s taken me fourteen long years to figure out how to live as pain-free as possible. Unfortunately, that means pretty much nothing gets done. I love when people advise, “Just do a little each day.” They don’t realize that the little I do each day is the limit of the little that I can do each day. FRUSTRATING!!!!

There are so many things I want to do, but pain and finances intercede. I want to get my house all cleaned up and cozy. I want to write and submit articles to magazines. I want to edit the two novels I wrote during NanoWrimo. I want to wash and wax my car. I want to go for walks in the park. I want to go hang out at Barnes & Noble and just browse and write. I want to go places with friends. I want to go to New York and see a Broadway play. I want to volunteer more time to the writer’s group. I want to go to different writing workshops and conferences. I want to visit friends out-of-state. I want to go to the shore. So many things I want to do, but I can’t do any of it.

I thought maybe, for once, my life would turn around and the guy I loved would be here to help me and some of those things could happen, but reality woke me up like a pitcher of ice water being thrown in my face.

So for today I will do my daily routine and try to be kind to myself.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. The pain in my shoulder is much better.

2. I am able to make my own dinner.

3. I have a home.


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