Heartache

This quote is taken from Elizabeth Berg’s newest book “Tapestry of Fortunes”. (She’s one of my favorite authors)

“…one of the hardest things in life is fessing up to what you want most, because if you do that, and you don’t get it, it’s so hard to be without it.”

As I laid in bed the other night staring at the motionless ceiling fan through the all too familiar tears, I knew that moments earlier I had set into motion things that I could not change. Once words are spoken, they can’t be retrieved. I felt the intense ache of loneliness and heartbreak invade every open space in my heart. Crying myself to sleep has become an all too familiar ritual over the years.

People who know me would say I’m bubbly and happy, but they don’t know me when the sun goes down and I’m all alone to face the heartache and loneliness of never being loved.

When I think about my man hating phase I’m realizing the above quote says it all. Those words leapt off the page and put my heart in a stranglehold. I realized all I ever wanted was a relationship with a man, but I’m not the girl who ever gets that. I don’t know why. People say I’m so wonderful, then what in the hell is wrong with me, why am I always alone?

I had one guy tell me that I was intimidating because of my confidence and independence. Really?!? So men want some woman who doesn’t have a clue what’s going on around her? I’ve had to become what I am to survive. It doesn’t mean that I want to be domineering and bossy. I want a man to share life with not to boss around. But most of the men I see in relationships are being bossed around and yet they say that’s not what they want. Really?!? I’m so very confused by all this.

I’m ready to stash that dream in a box once again and this time light it on fire never to be brought to light again. I can’t deal with the pain and heartache. It’s just not worth it anymore.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. Books that carry you away into them and reveal truths to your heart.

2. I’m going to re-read Stephen King’s “11-22-63”. (Excellent book!)

3. Next week is uneventful so I can rest and recuperate from yesterday.

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