Before I pose this question let me preface it by saying this has been rolling in my mind a couple of days now. Maybe I’m being too sensitive. But it’s causing me to way over think a lot of things.
Ok, here’s the question? Is it appropriate for a physical therapist that just met me to refer to me as a “big chested gal”? At the time I didn’t think much of it because he was referring to my posture and different stretches I could do to help that, but those words have been ringing in my mind for a couple of days now and they’re making me uncomfortable.
I mentioned it to the chiropractor because I’ve known him for over ten years and we kid around stupidly sometimes, but I’m never offended by him. I didn’t tell him how I was feeling, but I just mentioned that the physical therapist said my posture was bad because I was a “big chested gal”. The chiropractor said, “So did you hit him with one of them?” and then we both laughed for a few minutes. I laughed too, the way he said it, but when I was back in my car and thinking I realized that the chiropractor agreed with me that the comment was ridiculous.
I tend to cover up a lot of my feelings with laughter and it’s just recently that I’m beginning to uncover all the tears and hurt beneath the laughter.
The realization hit me that men have only ever seen me as someone to conquer and have sex with not the smart, funny, loving person that I am. And for a lot of years I have allowed that.
My second confirmation was my male friend that’s known me and my insecurities for four years now. I didn’t even get to tell him the whole context of the situation and he was telling me to report the man and do it immediately. I don’t think I will go that far, but it has opened my eyes to the reason I’m still alone. I don’t know how to demand the respect that I deserve from men. I guess maybe I don’t feel like I’m worthy of it. And therefore I never get any, or any quality attention. I get men that just see my breasts and whatever else they want to play with, not me.
So how do I change that? How do I overcome a lifetime of negative attention? And the feelings of inferiority and insecurity that have grown over the years?
I don’t know. I guess the first step is being aware. I don’t want to go back to my man hating phase. (I avoided dating and men for eighteen long years because of the physical and mental abuse that I endured) I just starting trying again five years ago and sadly nothing has changed. I thought God came in and took care of all that, but in reality I just buried it deeper and glossed over it with my “God”. I never did the work to fix anything.
I really don’t know where I go from here. What I do know is I am very broken by all these men and the ways I’ve been treated over the years. I wonder if I’ll ever have one that treats me the way I deserve to be treated. With respect and adoration.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. The awareness that’s coming through writing out my pain.
2. That I can write all this and still be able to go out into the world and smile and pretend that everything is ok. No one would ever know unless they’re reading my words everyday.
3. If I decide to do physical therapy it won’t be with that man.