Quiet Desperation

I never left the house this weekend. The pain in my shoulder is so bad it’s debilitating. I’ve spent the hours watching mindless DVD’s, ice on and off, eating so I could take another pain pill, sleeping on and off, and praying and wishing this pain would just go away.

I’m sure my neighbor thinks I’m just a crabby old b—-. He had his car trunk open with the speakers pointing towards my house and the music blaring and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Even with my tv turned up all I heard was boom, boom, boom, boom and the noise was making my pain even worse. Every nerve in my body was responding by tensing up with every boom, boom, boom. So I flew out the front door with my hair all over and looking crazed and just stood on my porch glaring at him. He knew right away his music was too loud and turned it down. I came back in and slammed the door. And of course within ten seconds he turned it back up and it seemed even louder this time. I just wanted to cry, but the pain was already too bad, and I know crying would just make it worse. So I turned the tv up louder and felt every boom in every fiber of my being and the noise from my tv was on my nerves too.

So… 8:30 pm off to bed hoping for quiet to be able to read, but no. Boom, boom, boom. People who are well don’t realize how something so simple can cause so much agony and there’s no point in trying to explain it to them, they don’t care anyway.

God I hope I get some answers and relief from this pain this week. I just don’t know how much longer I can suffer like this. And the worst part is, the anti-depressants caused this (even though I only took one a week) and so I can’t take them anymore either. I’m feeling really overwhelmed and desperate this morning. I so wish my life was different, but then I guess I’d have nothing to write about.

Quiet desperation sums up my life right now. No one really knows all the suffering and pain I endure. I try to face it with courage, but I’m getting very weary and tired.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. The sun is shining.

2. I have a home to live in.

3. I have food to eat today.

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