I’m up and out and sitting in the Family Life Center of Bethany Wesleyan Church while writing this. I’m in the soundroom this morning. Thankfully we only have the 10:30 service today in this location. Last week for Easter there were two. I was here at 8:00 am and now I have a little free time before the service starts so I brought my netbook and figured I’d do my blog thing.
This morning my insecurities are taking over my world. Why am I so very insecure?
INSECURE: 1. not confident or sure: uncertain
2. not adequately guarded or sustained: unsafe
3. not firmly fastened or fixed: shaky
4. not highly stable or well-adjusted
deficient in assurance: beset by fear and anxiety
Wow! Those definitions spoke volumes to me.
Not confident or sure, uncertain. This is my whole life. Very few things am I confident or sure about.
Not adequately guarded or sustained, unsafe Describes me to a T. I never feel like I’ve adequately guarded my heart. I always feel like it’s unsafe to let the real me be known for fear of being rejected and abandoned.
Not highly stable or well-adjusted. I’m not even sure what that means. I’ve never felt stable or well-adjusted in my whole life. Growing up in an alcoholic home the only constants were chaos, confusion, and animosity. It’s almost like I really can’t function in the world I’ve created for myself where there’s peace and quiet.
Deficient of assurance, beset by fear and anxiety. Guess this explains all my failings in relationships. I’m always afraid that the other person’s feelings have changed or faded away if I don’t hear from them or know what’s going on in their world. Then I constantly want assurance that they still want me and love me and if I don’t get that then I’m full of fear and anxiety.
I spoke with the person I was crying over and he said, “I can’t deal with your insecurities. Why can’t you just realize that I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here after four years. No, I may not be able to see you as often as you would like, but I’m not going away from you.”
Is it just me? Am I wrong again? Am I just too insecure. I guess my track record speaks for itself. I’ve never had a relationship with a man that lasted more than three months. So I guess I have to believe that he’s right.
So now what in the world do I do about this? I know I’m insecure. I never tried to hide the fact from him. I told him over and over that I don’t want to be this way, and I am trying to work on it, but how do I do that. I told him I just need reassurance from him. Am I asking for too much? I guess if I were in his shoes it would get very annnoying to have to constantly make someone know you care.
Today I’m thankful for:
1. The tears have stopped for now.
2. It’s going to be a nice day.
3. I have my favorite outfit on.