Today I was supposed to be spending my day traveling to visit a friend in one of Pennsylvania’s state prisons. So I got up at 6:00 am, fed the cat, had breakfast, took my meds, wrote my morning pages and writing prompt, took a shower, put on make-up, did my stretches, put on a nice outfit, scooped the cat litter, did dishes, and realized after all that I didn’t feel well enough to make the trip.
My body aches, my eyes feel glued and sticky and I just generally feel drugged and exhausted. Normally I would just push myself and go since I don’t drive there, but knowing the writers conference is next week I need to be very careful or I’ll be too sick and I’ll miss it and lose the money spent for it.
And so Plan B. Seems my whole life has been about Plan B. Plan B because growing up in an alcoholic home promises were never kept. Always made, but rarely even remembered. So much deep pain in my childhood heart I began making Plan B plans so as not to be disappointed ever again. Just a minor detour, change in plans. Never let anyone get too close to break your heart always, always have Plan B. (and maybe plan C, D, and E if necessary)
Ironic I was going to visit a friend in prison. I feel like I’m in prison. Not a physical prison, but I am in a prison of pain. A prison made by my own body rebelling against my wishes and plans.
I know the pain and loneliness all too well that prison brings and I so wanted to ease my friends’ burdens for just a little while by visiting, but my prison of pain was too great today to allow that.
I wanted to cry as I admitted defeat to my disease once again. But Plan B the 9:00 am service at church. And I’m glad that was my Plan B this morning. The service was awesome as always. Very uplifting and challenging.
So Plan B today was church, blog, laundry, early lunch, and couch time with Morriss. Maybe I’ll write a card out to my friend to let him know I’m thinking about him and wishing I could have left my own prison today to visit him in his.
Today I’m thankful for:
1. Plan B.
3. Hard lessons learned early in life.