I woke up at 6:30 am to my phone vibrating with birthday wishes from my Facebook friends. In one way it was nice, but in another it just reminded me how alone I really am.
A couple of friends told me they hoped I had something special planned. No. I’m forty-six, alone, broke, and suffering from debilitating chronic pain. No one will be here to wish me happy birthday. No one will be here to make me dinner. No one will be here to give me a birthday cake. I bought myself a Carvel bunny cake yesterday with a coupon so I will have a birthday cake for myself.
The writer’s conference next week is my birthday gift to me. I have yet to figure out how exactly I’m going to pay for it. (I got a six months no payments deal with my bill me later account on paypal) And since I still have a $406.00 propane bill I don’t know how I’m going to pay I will have to forego my usual yearly pizza. (I usually order a pizza once a year on my birthday. I can’t afford it the rest of the year.)
I’m trying not to feel pathetic, but…
Ok I know many people in the world are worse off than me today. I am grateful that I have my home, my car, Morriss, friends, my writing, money for groceries today, I have nice clothes that I got at great clearance prices, I have gas in the car, I go to an awesome church, God loves me (even though I really don’t understand why things are the way they are in my life right now). So I know things could be much worse. I just want a man to love an adore me and do life together. I don’t want my life to go by unnoticed.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. I bought myself the Carvel bunny cake so at least I can celebrate my birthday even if I am alone.
2. I have food to make for dinner tonight.
3. All the birthday wishes on Facebook.