This has been a really bad week. This fibromyalgia flare has been extremely painful. I haven’t been out of the house all week because by the time I’m getting in the shower (usually after I write my blog) I’m so exhausted I’m praying to have enough energy to do my stretches, scoop the cat’s litter, and get my morning dishes done.
My daily routine is just about enough to make me want to die. Thankfully I was smart and made enough dinner in the crockpot to have for three nights. That certainly made night-time easier. Just heating up, throwing a salad together and doing dishes.
Through it all I am proud of myself for keeping up with my writing. I managed to write my two morning pages, a writing prompt, and keep up with my blog (well except for Monday, but I did two posts on Tuesday so it all equals out). Writing has been my only escape from this broken, painful body that I must inhabit. Each time someone commented or liked what I wrote I felt like I had a reason to get up and try again tomorrow. Thank you everyone.
Some things I’ve learned the hard way through this journey of chronic pain:
1. People only come around in the beginning of an illness to help with meals and chores. As time wears on, especially when you’re young, you’re forgotten as they move on with their busy lives.
2. Close friendships no long exist. They morph into acquaintances because I can’t keep up anymore.
3. My phone barely rings anymore. And when I do talk to family or friends and tell them I haven’t been feeling well they ask if I’ve had the flu or why. And so I get tired of saying, “It’s the fibromyalgia.”
I guess people think this too shall pass. But it doesn’t.
4. I’ve stopped reaching out to people because the pain of rejection when they’re too busy to talk and never call back is just too much.
I guess it’s my own fault that I’m lonely, but I really don’t know any other way to deal with this. Even when I was running all over doing ministry work and interacting with people I still felt like I was not really a part of what was going on. And even though I enjoyed connecting with people I’d then come home to the reality that I was in too much pain to take care of me and make healthy meals and do basic cleaning. So sacrifices had to be made and I slowly backed out of everything except the sound room at my church.
Chronic pain is not for wimps. I admire all the bloggers I’ve met that deal with this on a daily basis. You are heroes. We are fighters. Thank you for your courage and transparency.
Today I’m thankful for:
1. I have leftovers for dinner again tonight.
2. I looked at my schedule and I have plenty of free time that I can rest up before the writer’s conference.
3. The hot shower I’m about to take shortly. Hopefully today will be a better day.