Written during a free write from a writing prompt:
The face of tomorrow is faceless. Unnoticed. Blind. Lonely. Full of tears. Pain. Dreams Unrealized. A life ended too soon. Too many unfulfilled wishes. Too much physical and emotional pain for one life. The face of tomorrow needs hope.
The face of tomorrow needs to be the face of reality. The reality that I am alone and sick. The reality that I need to make it on my own. The face of tomorrow scares me sometimes. So many unanswered questions.
Am I always going to be alone and poor? Will I always be struggling physically and financially like I am today? Will I always be alone to face every single day of my life? Will my life just go by completely unnoticed? Will no one ever really know me and who I am behind closed doors? Will no one ever know that I cry because I’m afraid and lonely? That I love to cook and bake? That I talk to my cat? That I laugh out loud when I’m watching the “Big Bang Theory”, “The Golden Girls”, “All in the Family”?
This is not what I expected my tomorrows to look like. NOT AT ALL!
In my old life before the aneurysms, before I lost my kidney, before the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, before all the other weird medical problems that come with the territory, I’d run out of hours in the day long before I’d run out of energy. Now I run out of energy long before the hours in the day run out.
My days drag on forever sometimes. Pain filled lonely hours that I can’t fill with anyone or anything because I’m just too tired and miserable to make the effort.
It’s a lot of work to do things or be around people because I do my best not to let anyone see how badly I suffer. I don’t want people’s pity. I want to be treated like I’m normal again. I do my best not to complain about my pain when I’m out and around people, but then I’m not really connecting to anyone because no one really knows the truth.
Close relationships no longer exist in my world. Everyone is an acquaintance. Their lives are too busy for me and I’m forgotten because I don’t make the effort to connect anymore. It’s all become too hard. Too physically challenging. My energy only lasts for two or three hours before I have to lay down or the fatigue will make it almost impossible to function at all. So no one really “knows” me and if they did they wouldn’t want to be around me for long.
The real me is in pain 24/7. Is scared and lonely. Is tired. Is overwhelmed by a trip to the grocery store. Is on the couch in pain and fatigue most of the afternoon after a simple shower and a few daily chores. I want to cry everyday, but I can’t afford to expend all that energy on such a useless activity.
In my new life, that has been going on for fourteen years now, my joy comes from writing. It’s taken me all these years to figure this out. I always wrote here and there, but it always started and stopped. Now it’s consistent and it’s my lifeline. Without my pen and paper and this blog I’d have no reason to exist at all. I thank God for stirring this passion up within me because he knew at this time in my life how badly I’d need it to survive.
I wish I could just write all day, but unfortunately life gets in the way. There are dishes, taking care of Morriss (my furry child), grocery shopping, doctor appointments, laundry, and other things that suck the precious energy out of me and leave me a shell of who I am flat on my back on the couch.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. The dinner I’m going to have tonight that’s cooking in the crockpot. Chicken cubes, onions, mushrooms, garlic, tomatoes and I’ll cover it with mozarello and asiago cheese.
2. I have a washer and dryer in my home so laundry isn’t as difficult as it once was when I had to go to the laundromat.
3. I don’t have to be anywhere today so I can take my time doing what needs to be done.