When everything is silent and quiet with nothing but the dark recesses of your mind for company.
The blues in the night, like a heavy blanket of loneliness cling to me in desperation. Wanting, needing, a life that’s out of reach. Always out of reach. Teasing, taunting, never fulfilled.
I wrote those words one morning during a writing prompt (where you write and don’t think about what you’re writing). They’re so true of my life.
Yesterday should have been my 100th post here and I so wanted it to be amazing and special, but life happened. I started out at my appointment for my annual exam at my gynecologist’s office. That went well and Donna Kuhn is always so sweet and kind to me. I left there feeling really good because the exam went well and she told me she’s reading my blog every day and she loves it. I am amazed at the people reading my words and I appreciate people taking the time out of their busy lives to connect with mine.
Anyway, I left there and my plan was to leave and go straight to Valley Farm in Bethlehem and then Wegmans to get groceries because my refrigerator was bare. Unfortunately the body said, “NO!!!” The fatigue began setting in right before I would have jumped on the highway. So I came home to lay on the couch and have lunch and another pain pill and to re-evaluate my plans.
After lunch I pushed myself to go to Valley Farm and Wegmans. I knew in my heart and mind it wasn’t a good idea the way I was feeling, but I needed food and I don’t have a lot of money so I want to get good quality and the best prices. (Which doesn’t exist near me. The produce at the local grocery stores is a joke. It’s already dead before you even get it home.)
So I did. Valley Farm wasn’t too bad. I even managed to buy myself a purple rose and three carnations. (I’m worth $2.50)
When I arrived at Wegmans I had to pray just to get out of the car. I didn’t need too much so I told myself to just get it done because I couldn’t afford the gas to come back down again. (It’s about 25 minutes from my home) So I did.
By the time I got to my car with my groceries I was in so much pain I was feeling nauseous. The fatigue was at a level I haven’t felt in a really long time. Driving home that 25 minutes now felt like an impossibility, but I had to. There’s no one to come rescue me from my own stupidity. So with the window of the car down in 35 degree weather and keeping the heat in the car off and music to sing along to trying to take my mind off of my sad state of affairs. Off I went. I swear at every stoplight I was begging God to just make the trip go quickly or just take me out of this world and give me some peace.
I managed to get home safely, thank you God! Then the realization that I had to get everything inside and put away (at least the refrigerated stuff). All I wanted to do was sit in my car and cry, but I knew that would be a waste of precious energy. So out of the car and taking bags and putting them on the porch to then taking them into the house. The case of water just about killed me.
I dashed for the couch to fall over and frustration beset me. Now I couldn’t sleep because the pain and fatigue was too bad. My body would NOT relax. Too tired to cry, too much pain to sleep. I put in a DVD of “The Golden Girls” and tried to forget how pitiful my life has become.
Today I’m grateful for:
1. I don’t have anywhere I need to be so maybe after my shower I’ll be able to get my body to relax.
2. God getting me home safely yesterday.
3. I have food.