Cards

I haven’t sent cards to anyone in a really long time. I want to, it brings me great joy, but for some reason I just can’t. I used to send cards for anything, everything, and nothing. Birthdays, loss of pet, thinking of you, praying for you, etc. In the past year I just haven’t been able to collect my thoughts enough to actually write in a card let alone get it into the mail. I thank God I can pay my bills online or they’d never get paid.

I did manage to get some Christmas cards written out in December, but it was really hard for me. I’m not quite sure what my major malfunction is but there definitely is one. I really don’t even know who I am anymore. Things I used to love, I really have no interest in anymore.

Maybe it’s all the trauma I went through emotionally last year. In May, I realized that my relationship with my brother is completely severed, in June, my mom broke her neck in a car accident, in July, part of my roof was ripped off my home in a violent thunderstorm, and about a week later my best friend turned my world upside down and the friendship was never the same. (just when I needed him most) Then the rest of the summer it seemed like everyday there was a threat of violent thunderstorms or tornadoes (living in a mobile home that is not the weather I want heading my way.) Then the attack of the ants on my home and trying to keep up with mowing the lawn and weed eating when it causes me severe pain, hives, and asthma attacks. (but there’s no one to help me and I can’t afford to pay anyone.) September was Hurricane Sandy and more damage to my roof and the skirting. Add to all that the financial toll of rising prices and the out-of-pocket money to fix my home twice. All that stress I think really did a number on me emotionally.

Some days I just feel completely numb, like I just don’t care about anything anymore and then other days I care too much about everything and I’m bubbling over with tears and sorrow all day. I guess I just don’t have enough emotionally well brain cells working together to be able to write out caring cards to anyone right now.

I’m surprised I have enough “well” brain cells left to write anything at all. I think the writing I’m doing here and the other writing I do everyday is my therapy right now. I don’t even know what I’m writing it’s just flowing so quick. When I finish writing and read it I’m always amazed at what poured out of me.

So I guess my point today is, I apologize to all those people I haven’t sent cards to in such a long time. I’m trying to get through this the best way I know how. I’m just waiting for my world to come back to some sort of normal again. I don’t know when that will be or even if it will be.

Today I’m thankful for:

1. Writing!!! I think it’s saving my life right now.

2. My mom is doing well.

3. My home is in one piece for today and since it’s winter I’m not worried all the time about violent weather.

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