“I am demoralized by living what is on the surface a good life. … But under the surface it is not a good life, but a singularly dull and depressed one in which simply doing the daily chores is all I can manage. … I don’t know how to wake up and get going, because when I try it ends in exhaustion and having to accept that there is very little I can get out of such nonbeing.”
May Sarton “Endgame: A Journal Of The Seventy-Ninth Year”
When my mom had to move out of her house after the fire a year and a half ago I saved her books by her favorite aouthor, May Sarton. I didn’t give them to her then because there was too much chaos and confusion trying to get everything important out as quickly as possible. I fully intended to read them, but other books came along my path and they got pushed aside.
Valentines Day I was feeling really low and lonely because this fibromyalgia and other medical issues just sucks all the life out of me and it stinks always being alone. May Sarton kept going through my mind and so I went over to my bookshelf and looked at a couple of her books, but they weren’t really speaking to me until I picked up this one. “Endgame: A Journal of the Seventy-Ninth Year”. I read a couple of pages just standing there in front of the bookshelf. This woman is writing about my life with chronic pain. The quote above is just one of many that has spoken to me from this book.
I am so glad I’m writing because at least I feel like I’ve accomplished something in my day. I used to run around doing all kinds of ministry stuff and while it was great it took all the energy I had and now my house is a cluttered mess that I just can’t seem to overcome. So now I feel the Lord is telling me I need to get my home in order and minister to myself. The problem is I’ve never felt worthy of love and so it’s really hard to be kind to myself. The purple rose was my first step in loving me (you can see a picture of it on my previous post). I need to treat me the way I treat others with kindness, love, and respect.
Today I’m thankful for:
1. My first step in loving me. The purple rose.
2. May Sarton’s book. God’s timing is always perfect and he knew just when I needed to come across this woman’s book.
3. Writing as always. Makes me feel like I have a reason for being.