Sometimes I wonder if people even think before they speak or write things. There was a comment left on my blog yesterday that sent me into a spiral of deep depression. Of course it didn’t help that I was already not feeling well and was in pain and haven’t slept more that two hours in the past five days. As I lay awake last night in pain once again I was thinking about that comment and the response that I left and realized there was an easy solution to this problem, DELETE IT! And so I did first thing this morning.
Now you may be curious what that was all about. Well pretty much the person told me that maybe God wants me alone because relationships are a lot of work and my illness would just complicate things. So I guess no one disabled should ever fall in love because it will be too much trouble.
I’ve been single my whole life and was happy with that until I reached my forties and realized half my life is over. That’s when I realized there’s much more to life than just me. I want to share my life with someone. Not just anyone, but the right someone. I started dating by using the online dating sites and that was a nightmare. All I found were men who were currently living with someone and looking to get a little on the side or move in with me. OH I DON’T THINK SO!!! Or married men who weren’t unhappy at home, but wanted to have someone on the side. ONCE AGAIN I DON’T THINK SO!!! So I deleted myself from all the dating sites.
I’ve been very depressed, discouraged, and angry at God for the way things are going in my life. (And no God did not fall off his throne when I wrote that, he already knows, I tell him everything that’s in my heart and mind.) I want a man in my life not to wait on me or I on him, but to share our difficulties. I want someone to cook for. I love to cook, and I love it when someone enjoys my cooking. I want someone to come home to. Someone to talk to. Just to know that my existence matters to someone. I’m not in a fantasy world thinking there won’t be problems, I already know that, but why should I not be loved just because I live in pain?
All the dreams I had for my life were shattered in mere seconds, when they found the three aneurysms in my abdomen. My life never went back to the plan that I had. But I feel I have done pretty well at adjusting most days. I’m now writing and enjoying that. And I am wanting a relationship. Why don’t I deserve that?
I almost convinced myself that I shouldn’t be writing this blog and no one will ever possibly love me because I’m too messed up – all because of that comment, but then a Bible study I did a long time ago came to mind, “When Godly People Do Ungodly Things”, by Beth Moore. The gist was that satan uses believers to discourage and distract us by the things they say and do sometimes. They may not even be aware they’re being used by satan. So that’s how I look at that comment. It’s been deleted, disregarded and I’m going forward.
Just a word of advice to christians, THINK before you speak or write something. That comment could have really sent me over the edge in my current state of mind with pain, lack of sleep, and menopause. When you’re walking in my shoes, then and only then, you can make decisions for me.
Today I’m thankful for:
2. I’m still writing on this blog.
3. I still have some fight left in me.