I wasn’t going to tackle this topic, but I promised myself transparency so it’s fair game. My finances are a disaster since I’ve been disabled. I’m hanging on by my fingernails and wondering when I’m going to get too tired and let go.
I came into my room to write this morning to find the propane bill from the fill up yesterday on my computer keyboard. $432.47 that I have no idea how I’m going to pay. I’ve put the rest of my propane on credit cards for the past few years, but now the credit cards are maxed out and there’s no money. Sooo…. what to do? Pray was the first thing I did.
It’s been an awful year for me. July part of my roof was damaged in a storm and since mobile home insurance is depreciated value and not replacement I had to close my life insurance so I could pay to have half the roof replaced. September was Hurricane Sandy and though I made out far better than many, my new roof was damaged (and the company that originally replaced it said hurricane damage was NOT under warranty) and half my skirting was ripped out and torn apart. Thankfully Dan Sedler and his brother Joe were ever so kind to me and fixed the roof and skirting for the amount of money the insurance company gave me.
Groceries keep going up. Electric bill is ridiculous. All the help I used to get I don’t get anymore. I used to get help with my heating and electric bills. I used to get help with my Medicare premiums and prescriptions. But now I only get $16 a month in food stamps. I’m a couple hundred dollars a year over the limit for help and so therefore am ineligible.
Meanwhile I’m sinking. As much as I want to ask for help I hate to do it because some people can make you feel like you’re a complete idiot. I have my associates degree in Accounting and worked for a bank for ten years so I’m far from stupid. There just isn’t enough money coming in and I am not well enough to work and even if I was, the long-term disability insurance from my last employer would cut me off if I make any money from working so I’m stuck. Unless I can make enough to cover what I receive from them each month. And I don’t feel well enough most of the time to do anything.
Sadly people only see what I’ve become, disabled. Very few people know who I was. When I worked full-time and went to school part-time. It took me eight years of doing that but I got my associates degree while working full-time. I was getting ready to start my bachelor’s degree when the aneurysms stopped my life in its tracks. All my hopes and dreams dashed in ten seconds. I never thought almost fourteen years later that my life would never go back to where I was then.
I am glad that I rediscovered my love of writing. I always kept journals on and off but this is the first time in my life that I’ve actually been committed to write every day. This is my therapy. Since I have no money for therapy I am so very glad I have this.
Today I’m thankful for:
1. Writing – my escape from pain.
2. The ability to read and all the good books that take me away from my reality for a little while.
3. I can pray and watch God work out a miracle.