Uncertainty

I thought I knew what I was going to write this morning, but nothing that I’ve written feels right for today. I have an appointment with my primary care doctor this afternoon and that has been permeating my thoughts and mind all night. I was awake at 3:30 a.m. and couldn’t get back to sleep so by 4:00 a.m. I got up. I’ve had breakfast, fed the cat and have been writing thoughts and ideas ever since.

I got a strange call from my doctor’s office yesterday afternoon. A lady called to confirm my “extended appointment” for today. I told her I had already confirmed with the automated system the night before and she replied, “We have to personally confirm all extended appointments.” I’ve never heard those words before, “extended appointment”. So to say I’m a little concerned is an understatement. I would have asked what she meant, but it was my first trip out since last Friday and I was in the grocery store having a difficult time connecting my thoughts about what I needed with the limited money I had. Of course, after we hung up I pondered those words quite a bit. I know I could have called to get clarification, but I don’t really want to know.

In fact I really don’t want to know the results of the biopsy. With the way my body reacts to everything I’ve decided for today that I won’t be doing anything about whatever it is. The last surgery I had was an absolute nightmare. The surgeon said my body went into hives the minute they put me under and when he cut me my body went into super hives. The tube was down my throat longer than expected because my throat was swelling around it. I was allergic to the pain medicine they were giving me and was throwing up. It was just awful. I don’t ever want to go through that again. I’m allergic to Benadryl so there really isn’t a lot that can be done for me with the allergies. I had prepared by taking steroids before that surgery, but even that didn’t help.

I hope and pray that my writing isn’t going to stop as quickly as it started. I pray that there is nothing wrong with me. I’m also praying that my doctor can give me something to deal with all the stuff that’s been going on with me. I think it’s menopause. I’m agitated, confused, forgetful, disoriented, super tired, have terrible insomnia. So many things that I could blame on the fibromyalgia, but it’s like fibromyalgia on steroids these days. I feel like I just can’t even function. Just going to the grocery store is an ordeal and I can hardly get through it.

Things I’m thankful for today:

1. My doctor appointment isn’t until 3:00 p.m. so maybe I can get a nap before I go.

2. All the free books Amazon.com offers for the Kindle app on my phone.

3. The authors that write books that carry me away in their story and away from my life for a little while.

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