Feeling Cynical

I’m feeling very cynical today. I don’t want my blog to take on a negative tone, but I want to be honest about where I’m at. Since I turned forty, five years ago, I’ve become increasingly lonely and have been longing to love and be loved by someone. Longing to be a priority in someone’s life.

And so I started dating again after many years of being too scared and too damaged to even try. I slowly took down some of the bricks from around my heart and opened up and trusted again. Sadly once again I was hurt, rejected, abandoned, and left to sweep up the pieces of my broken heart.

It’s amazing to me how people can tell you how wonderful and sweet and kind you are only to find someone else to replace you with. Maybe that’s my problem, maybe I’m too nice for my own good and don’t demand the respect that I should. I have no idea what’s wrong with me.

For now I’m quickly rebuilding the wall around my heart one brick at a time. In the past five years I’ve opened my heart twice and both times got burned. So even though I’m drowning in loneliness and pain so deep that it’s hard to breathe at times I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to open my heart and trust again.

I need to dig real deep today to find things to be thankful for but here goes:

1. My ability to express myself in writing.
2. Morriss, my cat.
3. A computer to write on.


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