Obviously I’ve been a little overwhelmed by my life. March and April have been hell. After the writer’s conference the fatigue covered me like a heavy blanket that I couldn’t get out from under. I knew the conference would be a huge physical challenge, but I didn’t expect over a month later to be dealing with the after effects. I understand completely why I am on disability and can no longer work.
I know my allergies and the horrible allergy season we’re having here in the northeast isn’t helping me either. I have such terrible allergy head I can’t even think straight, then add the fibro fog to that and a trip to the grocery store becomes a nightmare from which I hope to escape.
Two weeks ago, I went to the grocery store for grapes and milk. I knew I was tired and not feeling terrific, but I really needed those two items. So off I went. I didn’t take a cart thinking I wouldn’t need it for two items. (BIG MISTAKE!) I got my grapes first and then the allergy head / fibro fog kicked in and I couldn’t remember what else I was there for. So I wandered around and found a big package of chicken leg quarters for a great price, which unbeknownst to me at the time was leaking chicken blood all over me. EWWWWWWW!!!!! By the time I got to the check out the fatigue had set in and I was having a hard time even imagining getting home and now I saw the chicken blood. The lady at the self checkout kindly brought over a wipe so I could clean up, but unfortanetely I can’t use them because most of them have aloe in them and I’m highly allergic to aloe. This is the time I remembered I didn’t get my milk and it was all the way in the back of the store. I mentioned to the lady that I really needed milk but I couldn’t even imagine walking that far and she pretty much looked right through me like I wasn’t even talking. Now I was ready to have a melt down. I knew I needed to get to my car quickly.
Driving home was awful. I’m about fifteen minutes away from that grocery store and there is a mini mart across the street from where I live. I wanted to stop and get milk there, since that was part of my main purpose of being out in the first place, but I just couldn’t even find the energy to park, get out of the car, get the milk, pay for it, and get back in the car. I couldn’t even stop and get my mail from my lock box. The only thing I wanted to do was get home and get under the covers on the couch. I just wanted to scream, but I was too exhausted and fatigued. I wanted to cry and I did feel tears escaping down my cheeks, but I just had to shut off my feelings and get to the couch. Once on the couch, I spent the next 3 hours in deep sleep. Since I don’t sleep well at night I really needed that.
Upon waking I really wanted to have a bowl of cereal for dinner because I just didn’t have the energy to even put a frozen dinner in the microwave and there is no money in the budget for take out or delivery of any kind. Low and behold there’s no milk! Now I did cry. Pitiful I know, but this is what my life has become thanks to this monster called fibromyalgia. I try to plan my days and my errands, but when the allergy head and fibro fog get together I’m lucky I remember to shower and dress before walking out the door. I’ve been begging God to send me a husband to love, adore and help me, but I’m still here alone and every day seems to get a little harder.
Conclusion for Today: It’s ok to cry. Grief is a normal process and I need to allow myself to feel and not stuff those feelings.