Let’s Talk Fatigue

Obviously I’ve been a little overwhelmed by my life.  March and April have been hell. After the writer’s conference the fatigue covered me like a heavy blanket that I couldn’t get out from under.  I knew the conference would be a huge physical challenge, but I didn’t expect over a month later to be dealing with the after effects.   I understand completely why I am on disability and can no longer work.  

I know my allergies and the horrible allergy season we’re having here in the northeast isn’t helping me either.  I have such terrible allergy head I can’t even think straight, then add the fibro fog to that and a trip to the grocery store becomes a nightmare from which I hope to escape.

Two weeks ago, I went to the grocery store for grapes and milk.  I knew I was tired and not feeling terrific, but I really needed those two items.  So off I went.  I didn’t take a cart thinking I wouldn’t need it for two items.  (BIG MISTAKE!)  I got my grapes first and then the allergy head / fibro fog kicked in and I couldn’t remember what else I was there for.  So I wandered around and found a big package of chicken leg quarters for a great price, which unbeknownst to me at the time was leaking chicken blood all over me.  EWWWWWWW!!!!!  By the time I got to the check out the fatigue had set in and I was having a hard time even imagining getting home and now I saw the chicken blood. The lady at the self checkout kindly brought over a wipe so I could clean up, but unfortanetely I can’t use them because most of them have aloe in them and I’m highly allergic to aloe.  This is the time I remembered I didn’t get my milk and it was all the way in the back of the store.  I mentioned to the lady that I really needed milk but I couldn’t even imagine walking that far and she pretty much looked right through me like I wasn’t even talking.  Now I was ready to have a melt down.  I knew I needed to get to my car quickly. 

Driving home was awful. I’m about fifteen minutes away from that grocery store and there is a mini mart across the street from where I live.  I wanted to stop and get milk there, since that was part of my main purpose of being out in the first place, but I just couldn’t even find the energy to park, get out of the car, get the milk, pay for it, and get back in the car.  I couldn’t even stop and get my mail from my lock box.   The only thing I wanted to do was get home and get under the covers on the couch.  I just wanted to scream, but I was too exhausted and fatigued.  I wanted to cry and I did feel tears escaping down my cheeks, but I just had to shut off my feelings and get to the couch. Once on the couch, I spent the next 3 hours in deep sleep.  Since I don’t sleep well at night I really needed that.  

Upon waking I really wanted to have a bowl of cereal for dinner because I just didn’t have the energy to even put a frozen dinner in the microwave and there is no money in the budget for take out or delivery of any kind.  Low and behold there’s no milk!  Now I did cry.  Pitiful I know, but this is what my life has become thanks to this monster called fibromyalgia. I try to plan my days and my errands, but when the allergy head and fibro fog get together I’m lucky I remember to shower and dress before walking out the door.  I’ve been begging God to send me a husband to love, adore and help me, but I’m still here alone and every day seems to get a little harder.

Conclusion for Today: It’s ok to cry.  Grief is a normal process and I need to allow myself to feel and not stuff those feelings. 



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2 responses to “Let’s Talk Fatigue

  1. Marianne

    don’t ever stuff away your feelings…release is the only way! i pray for you, Linda…i can’t imagine what it’s like living with that every day…as soon as i can i will get over there for another visit! we always have so many laughs and laughter is good for the soul!

  2. Thank you Marianne. It would be great to see you again. 🙂 I always enjoy laughing with you too.

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