Wishing my life was Different

Once again it’s been way too long since I’ve written.  I know writing makes me feel better and I do write everyday, but writing on this blog is different than the other writing I do.  The morning pages I write (an idea from “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron) are just stream of conciousness thoughts and don’t need to make any sense.  The purpose is to start the day fresh and empty your mind on paper.  Anyway, here I try to make a point and give myself and others some encouragement.  

I must admit the reason I haven’t posted in so long is a petty one, but I’ll be completely honest.  I read another young lady’s blog about her journey with Fibromyalgia (and it is an awesome blog), but she mentioned having a wonderful boyfriend to help her through the tough days and family support and I just shut down emotionally.  I’m alone to do everything and it’s overwhelming.  My family never visits, my brother doesn’t even talk to me anymore.  I have a handful of friends but no one comes here to visit me.  I know my house is cluttered and not the way I would like it to look, but it’s not filthy. 

I wonder if I’m just fooling myself thinking that I can keep this house going.  It’s only a small mobile home, but every day that goes by it seems there’s something more that needs to be done and I just don’t have the money or the intelligence to do myself.  Mowing the lawn may seem like a small thing, but when you have fibromyalgia and asthma it’s a deadly combination.  By the time I’m almost done mowing my postage stamp lawn my throat is closing up and I need to get in the house, strip my clothes off, put them in the wash, and throw myself in the shower. By then I’m so tired that’s all I can accomplish for the day.  I know you’re probably saying, “Well, pay someone to mow the lawn.”  I’d love to be able to do that, but there’s isn’t an extra $10 or $15 a week for that.  I live on disability income, which believe me, isn’t enough to survive. 

So anyway, I’ve been feeling pretty sorry for myself and trying to think of other alternatives.  I thought about selling the house and applying to live in senior housing (being on disability they allow some people under 55), but with the chemical sensitivities and the hives I suffer from soaps, colognes, cleaning products etc., I didn’t think that would be a wise idea.  All I need is a neighbor who uses something I’m allergic to to clean and I’ll live the rest of my life in hives.

After lots of thought and deliberation I realized I just need to keep fighting each day until such time that the Lord calls me home.  So I’ve started getting serious about losing weight again.  I bought a scale and a 3 month tracker from Weight Watchers.  I may not be able to afford to go to Weight Watchers anymore, but I can follow the program and weigh myself.  

As for my home.  Well, I’ll pray that God sends someone to help me do the things that need to be done.  I’ll continue to cut the grass and do what I can do. Fibromyalgia has stolen a lot from me, but I can still read and write so all is not lost.  Maybe this is right where I need to be to get where I’m going.  

Conclusion for Today: No one’s life is perfect.  I need to be thankful for what I can do and what I do have.  I love to read and write and I will concentrate on those for today.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Wishing my life was Different

  1. Derrick

    Hey there my dear friend. I know all too well your struggles as well as you know mine. It seems unfair at times to deal with cards dealt to us in our lives. I wish I had the answers for you, however, I know you’re strong and resilient. You’ve been to the mountain top and the deepest valleys and yet here you stand. You never asked for pity or a hand out and the only thing you want is to be loved and treated fairly. I can say for certain you are loved and appreciated by your true friends. And that will NEVER change. So please take that with you and always keep your head up.

  2. Thank you Derrick. You always know how to make my day. 🙂

  3. Marianne

    i’m in complete agreement with Derrick…word for word

  4. Thank you Mariannne.. 🙂

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