I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve posted anything, but I’ve been going through some times of deep reflection and painful feelings. My favorite artist, Thomas Kinkade, died Friday, April 6, 2012 at 54. I didn’t know the man personally but early on in my illness and even before my illness I would escape into one of his paintings and imagine my life being ok and the way I wanted it to be. If you’ve never seen his work, google him and check it out.
As I read Mr. Kinkade’s obituary and other news I was saddened to see his picture. He looks so different from when I first started following him. He looks like he lost his peace and dreams somewhere along the way. Then I read he had been picked up on a DUI, was separated from his wife, and had a mess of financial problems. My heart is so sad for him and his family. His wife was the love of his life and he would hide her initials in all of his paintings. I wonder if he saw his life unfolding this way. I remember the early pictures of him so full of life, peace, and happiness.
Which then led me to think about my life. I’ve been very discouraged lately. Financially I’m struggling just to keep my head above water. I’ve had to put all my propane this year for heat on my credit cards, and they are now maxed out leaving me to wonder if I will even be able to afford heat next winter. I was doing really well on Weight Watchers but I’m unable to continue going to the meetings because of the cost and I can’t even afford to go and buy a scale. I just feel like a gigantic loser at 45 years old. This isn’t how I saw my life unfolding.
I wonder if this is where Thomas Kinkade found himself. It’s a painful place. I was talking to a friend the other day and telling him how for a few years after my aneurysm surgery I was very angry at God for leaving me here when he could have ended my life in 30 seconds. I would never have had to deal with this monster called fibromyalgia. I was angry that my life, as I knew it, had come to an end and I was forced to find a “new normal”. A new normal that I didn’t want to learn how to live and some days I still don’t.
So for the last few days and months I’ve been thinking about what I want my life to look like and if there’s anything I can do to attain that. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and going in circles because I just can’t see beyond this cycle of pain and discouragement. Yes, I am a Christian and yes, I know God and yes, he has seen me through difficult times, but I’m still struggling to come to terms with the life sentence of pain I was handed thirteen years ago.
Conclusion for Today: I will write my way through my pain and maybe help others along the way.