I woke up feeling overwhelmed today. My washer, that is less than two years old, left my last two loads of laundry soaking wet and I had to run them through a second spin cycle. I have since run the washer on the cleaning cycle and the water drained, so maybe it was something with the loads being unbalanced – I’m hoping.
I just got paid and after filling my car with gas I will have less than $25 left for food, prescriptions, and the washer, if I need to have it repaired. This isn’t how I pictured my life would be at this stage in my life. I’m days away from my forty fifth-birthday and I feel like a total failure. No kids, no marriage, no significant other, no money.
I know I do have a lot to be thankful for, but lately it’s been really hard to hang onto those thoughts with this chronic disease, fibromyalgia, rearing it’s ugly head. I haven’t really mentioned it to this point because it’s not how I want to be defined, it’s not who I am, it just makes my life really hard some days. I wasn’t going to touch on this subject here, but then I thought about what my friend Derrick said about me helping so many people and I know a lot of people suffer silently with this disease.
Fibromyalgia is pretty much invisible from the outside. I can’t tell you how many times people have told me how great I look with a touch of condescension because I know they’re thinking that I’m well enough to work and that I’m just taking advantage of “the system”. My own brother discussed this at length with my aunt when I first became disabled. This is a disease that takes away your ability to live and it takes away friends and family because they don’t understand or want to try, they just think you’re lazy.
So in the coming days I’m going to be very transparent and talk about this disease and how it has and is affecting my life. I’m going to try to do this with some humor and grace because it’s not all negative, there have been some positive changes that this disease has brought into my life. I hope you’ll join me on the journey.
Conclusion for Today: This too shall pass. Through the pain and the tears I will continue to get up and try again.